As I busy throughout the house, body busy with household tasks, my thoughts keep coming back to you. You. They seem to always come back to you.
I would say I lusted for you as I have in the past I am sure. I would say it was because there are so many things you have introduced me to that are new, but then I have done new things with people lots of times before. No, I have to say I am in love with you. Madly, taken back and swept into you. Yes, that funny word love.
Love. Now there is a word. I actually wouldn’t say love is funny more like a hysterical nightmare. How so? Think of all the silly things you do in the name of love. Think of all the risks involved in loving. Yes…Love.
And so I am here, in a hysterical nightmare. I tell you the truth; there is no place I would rather be. Well, maybe on a yacht sipping a sangria in the middle of the pacific, but then my dreams would still be of you, so rather be here. In love. In your intoxicating thought.
There are days when I think of the very smell of your cologne. There are moments when I think of the touch of your skin. I think most of the time though of how you are. Some of those random silly thoughts are of listening to your quiet click at the computer as I fold the laundry. Playing together as dinner is being prepared, taking road trips with you, even to the local park. My thoughts are of just being with you in all capacities.
What an odd hysteric it is to want to be with you in such trivial, meaningless moments. This is quite a new venture for me. Okay, not a new thought by any means as I have dreamed of what I would like to do with someone were I to ever spend such time with them. It is new in the sense that I have not thought these things of another person in years. I have wondered on several brief occasions of others, but quickly dismissed the idea. As the thought of the sound of their breathing in another room or even lying next to me for any period of time annoyed me. Any slight bit of their irritation would infuriate me and I would have sent them out the door quickly with bags sweetly following in mid air.
When I thought of you though, what it would be like to spend a great deal of time together, I quickly shuddered. I froze. I hastily changed my thought. Why? Why such an unusual reaction?
It was because I relaxed. It was because I enjoyed the thoughts. It was because as I thought of you being irritated with something, my mind started to think of ways to help and solutions to fix it. It was because as I thought of you sitting in another room doing something else I was delighted with the thought of you just being there. It was because when I tried to think of things that would possibly annoy me with you I wanted to compromise. I wanted to work through difficulties. It was because when I thought of you I thought in terms of longevity. It was because when I thought of you, I wanted to be yours. Those thoughts frightened me to my very core.
To know that I wanted more from you and not knowing what you felt in return. Not knowing if somewhere in your thoughts, ‘longevity’ had crossed your mind.
Wondering if you had ever thought of wanting to roll over every morning you would have and kiss my lips. Pondering if you had ever wanted to spend all your nights with the sound of my heartbeat next to yours. Contemplating if you had ever thought of going through life’s joys and hardships with me by your side. I am Entranced in the thought if you had ever, ever, ever considered if you would have wanted me as…a wife. I know a wife.
Now you see the nightmare. How could I have even thought this? My intellect tells me this has been too quick. That people just do not know those kinds of answers so readily. That time must be had to make such a bold statement as that. That I am much to grounded to think this sort of nonsense. Then my heart answers I have had years to think of what I would want. I have had ages to know what I am looking for. My mind checks its list and then stands perplexed as you fit. You. You this man who came from out of the blue. You. You, who came to me at the height of contentment with being on my own and you fit my criteria I put forth. You fit what I have made lists of. You fit what I have thought so many nights upon. You fit what I have rationalized in my mind year after year.
I am reminded of Shakespeare’s ‘As you like it’:
“No sooner met but they looked; No sooner looked but they loved; No sooner loved but they sighed; No sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy.”
I know the reason as do I know the remedy. The reason is I love you. The remedy is to tell you I do.
