It's Wednesday and I just deploritized on Sunday. Is that even a word...deploritized...I don't know but it is now! So...after my deploritization (oh yeah I'm going to do all kinds of things with this word. Some your momma would smack you for!) I was left with no hair. Well it has already started to grow back.

I went to put my little silky/nylon underwear on this morning and they were catching on these little tiny hairs. I thought it was so funny. So I had to switch to my cotton underwear and I will note those are doing well. No snagging or catching. I also just had to see what it felt like. If you rub down it feels really smooth. Almost like velvet. If you rub up it feels like right after a man shaves his face. That was weird.

Wow...only 3 days before regrowth. It sure didn't last long, but I will say there are no bumps. You can see where you have hair when I did it. It didn't look completely bare, except in some places.

I think this Friday I am going to apply it again and see it it takes off this little bit of hair. We'll see.

And a side note...I just read some reviews on this product. The smell of it was bad as all the reviews state, but I didn't have a lingering smell on my skin. Well..I can't really bend over and take a close up either, but if my friend ever stops being so weird...I'll give you an update! LOL! You guys new I had to add something like that in there...come on. This blog is not for the easily offended!

You know let's just discuss sexy for a minute shall we. He goes from answering all the time, to I think I hurt his feelings or offended him one when are little 'incident' I blogged about took place, to then he calls, doesn't, answers, doesn't, and definitely won't even email me back. Goodness this is annoying. I just want to know what's up. What is the deal. So... I am refusing to call anymore because this crap is annoying! Then I get a weak, softy, girly moment and want to hear his voice and see where we stand. Gosh...arrrr! This is not good. But...I haven't talked to him except for Saturday. Well. Catch you guys later.

So a few things.
First I just read Moonbloggies blog about the toot and swine flu. Hope he has an even speedier recovery. Get well soon little toot!

Second, about leg hair. I tell you what. I have been looking for a way to remove hair. ugh-ummm yes hair. Not on your legs. Not on your eyebrow but the hair we all know where it is. The options were as follows:

Option 1: Shaving
I have tried shaving the bikini line and no matter what I get these bumps that last for weeks. Even if I use the no bump cream I still get them. I tried standing in the shower in very warm water to loosen the pores. I've tried loading down on the shaving cream. On even conditioner. I even tried rubbing it after with alcohol (yes ow). I tried the aftershave like a guy uses. I mean nothing worked. If I shaved there were bumps. Then you got the whole growing hair back in. So I moved on...

Option 2: Electric bikini shaver
This worked and didn't work. These things take forever not to mention you get crick in your neck from bending over for 20 minutes. Then when you shave it, you still have this like 5'0clock shadow look going on. LOL! Sometimes I got it just right but then I would sometimes get little red splotches on my skin where the electric shaver irritated it. So...

Option 3: The electric hair clippers
That's right the electric hair clippers that the beauticians use. I tried this. It worked just like the electric bikini shaver except in a fraction of the time. And um...should I add here that if you got a little distracted you could wind up with a nick that...ow does not feel so good. And still the red splotches. Moving on...

Option 4: plucking
Yes I even tried plucking with tweezers. I was getting desperate during this feat. It wasn't as bad as you think. Mind over matter right. But this takes forever and I'm not going to lie...not the most enjoyable feeling ever! In some spots it down right hurt. Over this one really quickly...

Option 5: waxing.
Every now and then I get a bright idea and decide I am going to wax. Let me just say I'd rather pluck! I get the strip on and then when I start to rip off I remember...What the hell am I thinking. This shit hurts. It's always hurt and it's not going to get any better. It's kind of like when the pain of childbirth wears off and you think 'oh it wasn't so bad.' And then there you are with contractions and labor pains and sore boobs and you've got the nurse saying 'now push through the pain your doing great' and all you want to do is kick her right through the window and then you remember 'this shit hurts'...once again too late. So this was even quicker to move on from.

Option 6: deploritory cream (NAIR)
I don't know why I never thought of and tried this before now. On Sunday I tried this and it was awesome! No red bumps. No red splotches. I got the Nair for Sensitive skin and smeared it all over the place. I had started out to just do the bikini line but I thought...let's just see how well this stuff really works and just went wild putting it all over. I then sat on a towel on the toilet lid reading a book. I waited for 12 minutes, because I lost track of time reading the book. The bottle says do not leave on more than 10minutes.Whoops. I then got into the shower. I took a wash rag and started to wipe down on the sections that had the cream. A little ughh watching the hair on the rag, but it took it all off. This stuff worked great. I just did it on Sunday....so I'll let you know how it grows back in as time goes on. But as far as now this stuff is my new bikini hair remover! I love it!!!

On another note. I am in a bit of a funk. You know what. I think I am really actually wanting to finally have someone in my life. I want someone to care about. Not just someone to play around with but I think I really want to care about someone. Hmm...that's a twist of things. You know what my thoughts really are at this moment? Here they are. This is what is circling in my head exactly as they are. Not in any order. Not a great poem or expression but this is really how it is being thought in my head. Here it goes.

Sitting in the middle of the bed.
Awake.
Alone.
Can I call shazzy?
No it's too late.
Can I call sexy?
No, I don't know what is going on between us. I don't' want to be seen as desperate of 'hooked'
Can I call my Sensei?
Nope not an option
Can I call my brother's friend who's now my friend?
I don't know...maybe it's too late. It is 1am in the morning.
Can I call my mother?
No I she wouldn't understand this feeling. It's too 'emotional'.
I'm scared.
I had a bad dream
I'm alone
I want to be held
I want to be adored.
I want to be secure

I want to roll over and hear the sound of your breath.
I want to kiss your cheeks and know that you are real and here with me.
I want to lay on your chest and feel the warmth of your body next to mine.

I want to love you.
I want to know you.
I want to giggle with you.
I want to be...
yours.

Oh I Love where I work!

I went to lunch a moment ago and was engrossed in sea of blue! A sea of Air force Blues to be precise. A bunch of commissioned officers, all at the top of their fitness levels, dressed in blues and spit shined patent shoes. It turns out they are having their annual conference at the hotel across the street. Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!

It also turns out I wear everything I think right on my face. If you look, you know. As I was passing through the sea of blue, I couldn't help but smile. I was like a kid in a candy shop wanting to taste all the candy but knowing if I put my hand in all the jars it may get popped. So you just smile and let your mouth water. This scenario seemed to be emanating off of me because a lot turned to me and just smiled too. Even a smile as they turned to watch as they walked by.

Yes, Life is good. Life is good in blue. LOL!

Some people conduct business in an office. Some people conduct business with a staff. And apparently some people also conduct business without clothes. Yes this is what happened to me this past weekend.

I have this person, let's call him 'Breezy' who is a general laborer. He has done various projects for me over the years such as painting, plumbing, lock installations, etc. In the past I have come home early and have seen his clothing folded in the floor of my kitchen. One evening in particular I came home from the dojo early and saw a streak run to my bathroom. As I walked back towards my bathroom I noticed his clothes folded in the kitchen floor. It did not cause me any concern as he spoke to me from behind the bathroom door. I just figured 'Breezy' was a little eccentric, not a big deal. Besides he comes at a really good price.

Well Breezy re plumbed my entire house. I just put up front the cost of the products and arranged to pay him labor later. This past weekend was later. I went to his shop to pay him. His shop is in a huge shed where he does all types of wood work and refinishing cars. I knocked on the shop door and waited for about a minute for him to answer the door. I walked inside and saw 2 cars being completed. On the other side was a woodworking table and saw and various other tools and machines. In the back on the corner was a painting area that had a dust free wrap around. I opened my red wallet to pay but discovered I had no more checks. I told him I had to go to the bank and I would be back with cash.

I went to the ATM, got the money and proceeded back to his shop. When I arrived the door was open and he was standing behind the wood working table working on a very beautiful jewelry cabinet. Breezy is a tall, thin, 44 year old. blond hair, blue eyed man. His hair is kept long and pulled back in a pony tail. He wears a 5 o'clock shadow all the time and he smokes Camel cigarettes. He has no signs of balding whatsoever. It was very hot in the shop as he doesn't turn on any AC and the large shop fan was not on. So there he stood, shirtless behind the table saw. I, always being the joker, said " what are you naked standing behind there". Well he laughs and steps out saying 'Well actually I have on underwear.' As he steps out breezy is sporting a black, shiny, silky pair of bikini underwear. I am talking yes...full out there, standing loud and proud in bikini underwear with his Lingham right there for the viewing. I didn't quite know what to do so...when in doubt...Laugh. And that is what I did. I stood there, laughing my butt off. I said 'well this is a new way to conduct business.'

He said 'well, it's hot as hell in here' and then he turned to get the receipt book. And there in front of my eyes was a bare ass walking to the back side of the shop. Not only did he have on black, shiny, silky bikini underwear on but these were thongs. Yes you heard me thongs. I exclaimed in complete shock 'Breezy, your wearing a thong that looks just like my Victoria Secret thongs! I'm not looking! I'm not looking!' I then started looking all over the shop. Anywhere that would try to distract my eyes from the thong wearing Breezy.

He then proceeded to explain to me about how thongs are more comfortable and how he got started wearing the thongs. he then patted on a chair next to the desk for me to come and sign the receipt book. I sat down, very uncomfortably in the chair to sign the receipt. He said 'oh I forgot' and then got up to get a pen. He called out 'stop looking' in to which I replied 'My goodness you get up and walk away in a thong and I can't help but stare at your ass. I am trying not to look my goodness!' I proceeded to spin around in the chair nervous as hell. Trying to find anywhere to stare besides at his ass as he is walking.

Well long story short nothing other than that happened. I signed the receipt book and we talked a bit about the inhibitions of clothes. He sat very calm and normal as I spun back and forth in the chair fidgeting quite a bit. yes, it was odd. Very, very odd. Why does stuff like this seem to happen to me? I am glad people feel comfortable with me, but this is taking it to an extreme.

Later that evening my teenage son had his friends over playing (some had spent the night) and one of them had their cousin there. I assumed he was maybe 16 or 17, not that he looked it, I just assumed it. Turns out he was 19 and 1/2. Don't forget the half. Like this is an important monument that says I am not a teenager I am an adult. To me...just a baby. Your 19, come on.

So anyways they are all in the living room playing video games. They do this till late in the night when I take them to Mellow Mushroom. Some go with us and then sleep over and others go home. The next day, Sunday they all come back including the 19 year old. They continue playing video games and one of the boys' sister knocks on the door and says they have to carry something to the car for the mom real quick. So...they all leave...because we all know teenagers travel in packs. Except this 19 1/2 year old named 'delusional'. Well he proceeds to come into the kitchen where I am making tacos and starts to talk to me. The conversation is how he is joining the Navy. Then it turns into "I am sorry if this is out of line but, how old are you". I proceeded to tell him not thinking anything of it because I am looking at him like he's a little boy. Then he continues with "I think your very beautiful..." and oh yes the 19 1/2 year old is hitting on me. I mean he is actually hitting me.

And that is what happened to me this weekend. Do things like this happen to any of you?

The wind blowing through my hair

Freedom whispering in my ear

Run

Run

The smell of the trees

The wildness filling my passages

Run
Run

The droplets of rain

independen upon my face

Run

Run

A hand

A touch

A saving grace

pace

pace

A kiss

A smile

wait

wait

Wild and Free

So Several days since last post. Just a little...I don't' know... aloof at the moment. Well...never that calm. But calm enough. Hmm...Bi-polar...noway just a little eccentric. I've had a lot on my mind and just couldn't seem to blog.

Not much has happened. My buddy is in the talking mood. Not quite like before though. It seems just a little off. Wonder if it's just me. I have come to the conclusion...I think he gets worked up really easy. He seriously needs to relax a little bit. I have just the right combination for the remedy. I mean...just trying to help (insert devilish grin here)

I learned my neighbor is the president of the (hope I get this right) BS&M club. That's the Bondage and sado masochism club. Why did he feel the need to tell me this? I don't know? Do I just look like someone who is on the guest list at all the BS&M clubs? Hmm...so I practice martial arts and my idea of a good time is going to the dojo where you get kicked and hit...I do enjoy the occasional bite...I liked it when my buddy smacked my rear end one night but nobody ever else would get away with that...noway once again...just a little eccentric.

Anyways...so he's standing there while I am trying to get to the dojo and telling me all about this club. How he's a complete dominant personality and people just gravitate towards him. That he 'owns' his wife (she enjoys this apparently) but she doesn't wear her collar out. Now I've met the wife. She seemed pretty dominant. I guess pop a collar on and it changes all that for ya.
Hmmm....Nope I'll bite your damn hand off if you try and put a collar on me. Oh and you wanna say you 'own me' I'll give you a 10 second head start and you better hope I can't catch you.
He then goes on to tell me a little more and what do I do. Well hell join in the conversation and then quickly make a break for it. Now I want to go to one of these meetings. Just to see what they do and what they all look like. Curiosity killed the cat. Maybe I should remember that.

My pastor called and asked why I haven't been in church. Now what really could I say to that. I could have offered up "well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. If I go I know I'll have to give up a few things I'm doing or that's exactly what I'll be. You know the premarital sex, the sliding my skirt up a little at the red light next to the truck to watch the trucker look at my thigh". So instead I said "Well I guess it's just a responsibility and discipline issue. I lack on both some days. I can't tell you I will go this Sunday because then I would have to because I'm a woman of my word. But I'll tell ya I'll give it my best shot. I wonder if that answer sufficed. I could feel him kind of cock his head through the phone. The same way a dog looks at you like he knows what your saying but he just can't believe your saying it. Yeah that same look. I could feel it grasping me through the phone. So much I had to get off the phone quick to escape repenting right then and there.

Well what's been on my mind lately?

I've been reading this book lately. It's called 'confessions of a pagan nun'. It's pretty good. It is a recount of this lady back in the 1700's. She was an apprentice to a druid and then became a practicing christian nun. It's pretty neat. I love her freedom though. She couldn't be contained either. Her passion and zest for all of life. For life itself. I wish we could all live like that.
You know...just another side note.
We have this IT (computer dept.)guy in the back at work. There is just something a little compelling about him. Remember the whole priest incident. Yeah so do I. Well that's got nothing to do with this I just wondered if you remembered?

Well...no he's more like the guy you marry and then get freaky with in bed. He's not the guy you just get all freaky with and then cut him loose. That's weird. How do you distinguish between marry you and get freaky with and get freaky with then cut loose? HMMM...so if I just had that thought I bet men have had that thought...I wonder which girl I am????Now that is food for thought.

You know. This is really getting out of hand. All these different men. I've never even noticed so many men before. Well I was married why would I? But even when I wasn't. Goodness gracious. They are everywhere. All shapes. All sizes. All education levels. All knowledgeable in something in someway shape or form. A lot already taken so their off limits. But wow so many. Why am I noticing them all. I know what it is...dare I say...no I don't want to....why is it getting so hectic??? Is my clock ticking? I think it is. I think my restless, wild heart wants to be rode. I don't want to be bridled. I'm much to free. I don't want to be tamed. I'm much to wild. But I want to have I got it...I don't want to be rode I want a companion. I don't want anyone to hold my reigns. I want a companion. Someone who loves this life as much as I do who will run next to me. Someone who if either one of us trip we help the other to get back up again. Someone to run this race with. Someone who can keep me paced so I am not running full open. I want a companion. I want someone when I look into their eyes my heart is content. When I feel there touch my body is quieted. I want a best friend.

I don't want to run alone anymore.

Okay on Tuesday he gets a little beered up at his house. Which I haven't seen him do before so I don't quite know what to expect when he calls. So we get in this conversation and he basically says that I just think of him as a boy toy and that there is a problem because he could see us in a relationship. I just didn't know what to say. He just broke all the rules. Hell it is not like I love him. It is not like I could ever see myself in a relationship with him. I just care for him as a friend. Geesh, just give me the sex I crave and go on about your business. It did make me think though. SO... I figured I would let him know that I do like him, he's not just some boy toy. So I sent the following email (forgive the mellow dramatic view...I'm a Libra):

I am just going to go ahead and say what I want to say. I know I should keep the mouth shut but it seems to have a broken switch at the moment. So here it is.

I don't hide what I think at all. I am very open with it. But I do hide what I feel. I hide it a little too well. I'll just be honest and tell you and offer my sincerest apologies.


I liked you when I met you. I like the way you speak. I like the way you carry yourself. I didn't just listen to the way you spoke but what you were saying. I listened very intently and I liked you. I knew I could click with you. The more I spoke with to you the more I liked you.
I said it was to be a one night thing and that was what I was doing because ...I grew up with a lot of males and a brother. I know the way they talk and I've heard all the smack with girls. How they would pick a girl up, sleep with her, and then she becomes all emotional and they laugh at her because it was sex and that's it. It was a one night stand it's not like they are going to date her or even be friends with her.

So... I know you said no attachments and you meant it. So...I hid it...I hid it a little too well. I didn't want to be the silly girl the guys laugh at for thinking that a one night fling would be anything more and that we would be friends after wards. Even though you know what...I was.

All I knew that evening was I wanted to be next to you. If it was just for that evening then that was what I was accepting. But...it wasn't. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot. Not just the sex...to which you know was wonderful...but because I enjoyed being with you. You as a person.

I got hung up on this 5 thing because it scarred me.
(insert name here)...I talk a lot...but you know what...I fell for you. I did. I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing from you. The sight of an email from you or the sound of your voice makes me smile from ear to ear. The touch of your hand against my skin ignites my body into a blast of fireworks. Not just the anticipation of sex and how wonderful it is, but because I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing about your day whether good or bad.

I tried really, really hard to keep this in what I thought was the correct perspective. I did play a game. But the game was not the same as yours...my game was hiding how I really felt.
Even with knowing the fact that you would have other women, interest and so forth. I knew there were no other men I was entertaining. I was willing to keep it to myself, not dare let on, and hide the fact that...I like you. Your not a boy toy. Your not a sex fling. I legitimately like you. But I knew if I told you that it would stop. I was afraid. I still am afraid that's what you'll say. I didn't want to be like the other girls. I didn't want to tell you and feel like a complete fool. Like a silly, little girl.
When you asked me 3 questions the answer to everyone one was yes. yes. and yes. Yes I think about you in a different capacity. Yes you mean something to me. Yes yes and yes. I knew if I said it, it would prove your point of emotions. That you can separate and the girls can't.
Well...I can't separate. But I can hide it. And I did not want to push it down your throat while you were dealing with everything else.
I knew you already had a lot on your plate and I didn't want to add anymore to it. I didn't want my silly girl emotions to bother you and I didn't want you to have to feel the need to say something. So...I got a bit testy...because...I was trying to play the front the way I thought it should be played. I tried to play like I had no emotions what so ever and instead of it coming across as bold...I believe it came across as rude and insulting. I am sorry. I promise that I didn't mean it to.

Do I normally run. Yes. Do I want to run...
no.
That scares me.
I don't want to run at all.
I like seeing you smile. I like doing something that makes you giggle. I like the way it feels when I can do something for you. You said when has it ever not been about me. You asked do any of my fantasies not include pleasing someone else and they are supposed to be about pleasing me...well...Truthfully I didn't start having full fantasies again until this thing with you and I. You sparked it. My fantasies were...having a relationship. I figured it was something I would never have again and so that's what my fantasies were and are. My fantasies are about mutuality because that's what I want. Someone to kiss. Someone to share daily adventures with. A best friend.

God this makes me sound like I am a silly 16 year old. I have worked very hard at being so 'unfeeling' in this area and so 'mature' that I feel like an absolute silly silly girl. Last night when I didn't speak to you I felt kind of...well...

Anyways to continue on. That's the truth. I should have told you but I was afraid you would never want to see me again. I was afraid I would lose this moment I was enjoying so much. I was afraid we wouldn't even be able to be friends. I was afraid because I know no attachment is exactly what you meant and I had broken it.

I guess what I am saying is I am sorry. I hope we can still chit chat. I would like to still keep the other but I understand you said no if I felt something. But, in my defense I hid it so well.

Well (name insertion here). There it is. That's how I felt. That's how I feel.

Now...the awkward silence. The awkward waiting period.

I just didn't think it fair not to tell you.

Well...if you would like to talk about this or whatever you would like, I'll be available.

So after that email there was absolutely NO response. So later that evening I called him. He answered and was 'unavailable' that evening due to yadda yadda yadda. So, I that night I went to the dojo and had sooo much fun. It was very enjoyable. I couldn't wait to tell him about it. Not to say na-na-na-na, but because I genuinely was excited to share with him. The email went like this:

Good Morning. I tried to figure out what I wanted to do last night so (no chance of sitting at home...too much adrenaline pumping)so...I went to the dojo. I haven't been in 2 years. When I got there it was like it had never changed. My sensei was so excited I was there. I got there around 7:30 and classes were just ending. So I was chit-chatting with my Sensie and I told him 'gosh I really just wanted to hit something. My day has been completely crappy' (rough day at work :)) So, he said to go get my gear on. I didn't have to fully dress out, which I was happy about, only t-shirt, pants, and belt. We had our own little fight session.

He apparently is training MMA fighters now (we were training in kick boxing when I left the dojo). The recent MMA fight at the Shriner's, that was his. Anyways...so instead of putting on sparring gear we just donned a little cotton shin/instep pad and a light pair of gloves (their like really thin workout gloves) and we went to town. (Okay, extremely easy and soft since I am just coming back)Kicks, knee strikes, punches, jabs, Oh I loved it!!! We only went like 20% power so nobody got hurt, except I have still managed to end up with a bruise on my shin. And yes, he did have to joke on my being a little girly and getting soft, until about the 2nd gut punch then the competitive streak kicked in. I was going to town when he did a leg shoot and put me down. Oh how unfair! Guess I need to work on my jiu jitsu a lot more.
Anyways it ended with shooting pool and I'm supposed to come to the training on MMA...just for fun. I don't want to compete anymore. I've done the kickboxing and enjoyed it, but...I don't think I want to play in the MMA arenas. I suppose I have become a little soft :( LOL! Something about Elbow strikes just doesn't sound like my idea of a good time or could be soft because I haven't worked out in forever, whichever soft...anyways...LOL).

Well I just couldn't wait to tell about last night. You know...the whole friend thing. How did your evening go? Did you manage to work any sleep in?
Have a great day!

Oh and all over the news this morning was Gina Carano and her fight with Cristiane Santo that's to be this weekend. I think I want to catch that it. I bet it'll be great.

I wasn't going to call but on Saturday night. I really wanted to 'do' something (oh yes pun intended)so I called (even if it wasn't to 'do' anything I just wanted to see him). No answer (insert disappointment here). Geesh this is frustrating the hell out of me. I didn't call or anything Sunday and I am not going to anytime soon. I am waiting on him to call. But I think we are both a bit obstinate and prideful so we'll see who breaks first. Or should I just break. No dang it he's going to have to just call and be nice.

Geesh the feely email wasn't like I said 'hey I'm in love with you and I want to date' it just expressed I liked him. Hell I like my girlfriends that much too and they aren't all wigged out by it. Okay maybe not the part about the body exploding when they touch me, but the rest. When you are my friend I genuinely like you. No hold barred. That's just how I do everything. In the extreme. Their are some mild gears on me but...if you get mild...you haven't passed acquaintance yet, LOL!. Gosh it's just how I write. I am just out there and don't mind telling you. I just happen to be really descriptive when I am trying to describe something, especially feelings. So goodness weirded out on me. That's just my personality. That's just how I express myself. I mean did he take this to mean I was in love with him and I wanted something more. Cause...he got it all wrong if he did. I mean...if he wanted more I would be willing to try. I would like to see what would happen. I'm a curious sort. But geesh let's keep this real here for a moment...I haven't known him that long and it's not like I would be professing anything more than I like you.

Goodness gracious...I only wrote the email because I wanted him to see he wasn't a freaking boy toy that I actually enjoyed his company when I was with him and that he makes me all giggly inside. Geesh...WHY SUCH DRAMA???

If I was a guy and doing this there would never have been all this. But I'm a girl so I'm supposed to behave differently I suppose. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

So I sit here wondering...what will happen now? What is he thinking? What did I do?

I really just don't get it. I really just don't understand what the heck is going on here.

Do any of you???

A little fun...

So last night my 'friend' who is being all testy was 'unavailable'. Yadda-yadda. So I was all dressed up, hair done to the 9's and my makeup just perfect. The adrenaline was flowing. So I called shazzy and whinned. She always lets me whine and vent 'love you SHazzy!!!'

Shazzy suggested to do something for just me. I said dancing she said that still involved people. I said well I don't know and then I thought...I'll go to the dojo and workout. Involves people yes, but none I can get into trouble with, LOL! Or at least you'd think...

Now I haven't been to my original dojo in like 4 years and any dojo in over 2.

So I got my weapons and gear and headed to the dojo. I got there around 7:20-7:30pm. The class had just ended and everyone was dispersing. I went in and my sensei was sooo glad to see me. Hugged my neck and we talked for a while. I told him I hated I missed class I really needed to just hit something because I have had an all around crappy day...

side note: The crappy day consisted of my mother, my I'm not sure what the hell to call him, and just a continual pile up of crap that finally just got the best of me yesterday. The I don't know the hell what person said his brother and family was going to be stopping by on their way to Florida and probably would stay. If they didn't he would give me a call. But you know what it sounded like a lie. A complete lie. But that could just be my thinking.

Continuing...

So...My sensei says 'go get your gear on then'. Oh I was so excited. I ran to the car, got my gear and headed inside with a since of jubilation. I changed into my full karate gi. When I got out he said I didn't need to dress all out so I got to wear just my t-shirt, gi pants, and belt. That was nice because the full gi can get rather hot, but on the down note without the gi there's nothing absorbing some of the blows, lol!

We worked on a sai kata (see picture) and then donned the gear. But while I started to grab my sparring gear he said 'no let's do a little MMA fighting' (Mixed Martial arts, UFC is MMA style).

Interjection: My sensei now trains MMA fighters. He just had his first showcase here locally.

Continuing...

So I was game. I put on shin/instep protectors (the little thin cotton ones) and really thin workout gloves. And we went to town. At first I was a little soft and girly but after the 2nd gut shot my competitive streak kicked in. There we were he shirtless and I in half gi uniform hashing it out (only going about 20% power). There were knee blows, thigh kicks, jabs, punches (very soft as I haven't done any competitive fighting in years!). Oh the adrenaline. My body dripping with sweat. My lungs filling with heat as they grasped for more air. And a freedom. A pure adrenaline release of freedom and independence. To know that I am a woman and can kick your ass if you mess with me. I was loving it.

My sensei went easy on me. Pulling every kick that would have landed at my head, but close enough so I could feel the breeze as it rushed by and stopped right in front of me. A quick punch to the gut I didn't tense for making my lungs work even harder for air and then I blitzed him. Kick, punch, punch, jab, punch, knee strike, knee strkie, push, thigh kick. Then...bam on my back on the floor, with my sensei looming over me chuckling. He had did a leg shoot. It went so fast I didn't even see it. He helped meup and we went back at it. Yeah, he could kick my ass in a nano second but he let's me play. Grants me mercy every now and then.

Mental note...work on my jiu jitsu skills.

The evening ended in pool and a drink with my sensei and another male. Then in him wanting me to come back to class. If not all class at least for the MMA fighting. It also ended in a discussion of why I left years ago.

You know what...I just don't understand. Other guys want to be with me. Men in my past want to be with me. But who I want. Doesn't want me. Why? What is this evil twist of fate? When is someone who I am mutually compatible with going to love me? When are they going to to want me? I want a relationship. I am tired of being a one woman show. I want someone to love, to hold and to share. Damn this romance deal is complicated.

I cried
you suck
You fucking suck!

Hold me
But really hold me

Kiss me
But Kiss the girl that you can't see

Touch me
But touch what is really there

Want me
But want who I am

Believe in me
But believe even in the flaws

Love me
But love all of me.

Moments will heal

This little mark

That has scarred my wing

Leaving me grounded for just a moment

We can't always soar

Option 2 for this post of it sucks:

It hits me right in the gut
This rule you have
completely sucks

Don't tell me its you
I just don't buy it
Don't tell me it protects you
Your full of it

So when you pulled my thighs close
Did you count that as one

When you kissed my lips
When I breathed you in deep
When I giggled and laughed
When I pulled into you
Did you count that as two

When you pushed me against the wall
making me weak in the knees
When I screamed your name
When I begged for more please.
Did you count that as three

Well I don't want to count
I don't want to be four
I don't want to count
Knowing I'm not through, not satisfied
I don't want to be left wanting more.

Not left with the thought of the shivers
the electricity that raced through my body.

Not left with the taste of your lips
lingering on mine
The feel of your hands,
the touch of your body
burned in my mind

The sensation throughout my limbs
the pleasure just being with you in your arms.

The fun
The roughness
The complete freedom
I don't want to count
You should have left it at one.

You know what...your reasons suck.

I just don't buy it.

They just suck.

I don't believe it has anything to do with you.

I don't want this stupid rule.

It's ridiculous.

It's completely ridiculous.

Do I believe it stops as soon as it gets there.

I do.

I honestly do.

You know what.

let me just tell you.

I don't like this fact.

What you said was...no attachments. That is what I agreed to. There are none.

But then damn you add another twist

And it comes out of left field

And it sucks.

It's ridiculous.

My God I mean what a set up for you.

You want no attachments...

I want no attachments....

You say sometimes it's you who may...

If it happens I run...

So there's a complete back up.

Why the fuss

Why make this so damn complicated.

Keep it light.

Keep it simple.

Don't add this drama.

It's... I enjoy you

you enjoy me....

Can we just enjoy this and not think so much and so much into it.

This is not the way it was supposed to happen.

This is not the way I played it out.

I wonder how long did you knew it was so and so number?

Damn....you should have left it at one.

I think James Taylor said it best:

"Do me wrong, do me right,

Tell me lies but hold me tight,

Save your goodbyes for the morning light,

But don't let me be lonely tonight.

Say goodbye and say hello,

Sure enough good to see you, but its time to go,

Don't say yes but please don't say no,

I don't want to be lonely tonight.

Go away then, damn you,Go on and do as you please,

You ain't gonna see me gettin down on my knees.

Im undecided, and your hearts been divided,

You've been turning my world upside down.

Do me wrong, do me right (right now baby),

Go on and tell me lies but hold me tight.

Save your goodbyes for the morning light (morning light),

But don't let me be lonely tonight.

I don't want to be lonely tonight.

No, no, I don't want to be lonely tonight"

That Moon Bloggy! My goodness. So she goes to Six Flags and has a terrific time.

Well the boys, 2 of there friends, my friend and their two daughters went to Alabama Adventure and had a terrific time. Unfortunately...our experiences with the roller coasters went a little differently...My 9 year old has yet to reach the minimum height limit for adult rides. Not only roller coasters were off limits but hell, so were the bumper cars. I mean the bumper cars, Come on!!! He's like 2 inches too short and they said no. Dude those 2 inches are made up by scooting forward in the seat and driving with your toes.
Shasam not until I recently got my new car did I stop driving with my toes. Seriously!!! I had a Saab I had to drive with a pillow behind my back and could still only touch the pedals with my toes. Then I had a Gallant...Same story. I didn't have a one eyed, one toothed button pusher operator leer at me and yell "Your too short you'll have to go over to the kiddie cars".
So...my fourth grade 9 year old, head hung in embarrassment and a scowl that could melt Mars walked away. Well more like huffed away, but same difference.

Besides these few moments we still had a blast.

We played in the wave pool. Rode all the water slides, which some he was too short for but the young kids working for the summer, some short, obviously remembered what it was like and let him ride anyways. We had a blast. Yes, I said we as you don't think Mom is actually going to stand on the side lines do ya. I even had to assure one of the little ones "Come on it'll be fun! Let's GO!"

We even participated in the dance party at the park it was great.

Let's see...a few highlights and stand out moments from the trip:
1) I am completely afraid of the swings. I got on them, thinking no big deal and to my astonishment was terrified. I was screaming and clinching the chains with all my might. I was as still as a deer in headlights. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough the little 9 year olds are ahead of me laughing and pointing at me with their arms flung out in airplane position. Dang those 9 year olds.

2) My older son and his friend got 2 phone numbers from girls. Not that this is encouraged by any means but hey...he got tow numbers. Listening to him talk in front of the girls, so suave and bold... I couldn't help but feel a little proud at the fact he wasn't shy at all in front of them.
Oh know what am I saying, I have got my hands full!

3)My sons are great swimmers and definitely hold their own. I love their independence. I am just so proud of them.

Well, we just had an all around great time! So there Moon Bloggy, we had a great time too! Na-na-na-na! LOL!

Please Don't clip my wings

Leave them intact

Don't bind them

Don't hold me back

Please Don't clip my wings

Let me fly

Let my freedom soar

Don't keep me here to die

Please Don't clip my wings

Don't hold them down

Let my independence blossom

Don't keep me bound

Let me live

Let me shine

Let me grow

Let me soar

Please Don't clip my wings
Please Leave them intact
Please Don't bind them
Please, Please, Don't hold me back

Alright...so the blog has been...what goes on in the mind of a divorcee' who is newly single. You have all been reading and so now...what really goes on in the mind some days...no holds barred...here it is...as the day dream...yep..I said daydream...played out in my mind...

He takes her by the hand.

Leading her down the long, white hallway. The carpet sliding between her toes.

He pauses.

turns.

and pushes her to the wall.

He looks into her eyes.

Smiles...as if to tell her 'I'm so glad you've come.'

He presses his lips tightly to hers as his hand slows across her breast as her dress drapes undone.

He traces the curves of her waist

pulling her closer.

She feels the touch of his skin

pushing to her as she moans.

The firmness of his hands

pulling her against him.

She drinks in the anticipation.

The warmth of his tongue

the heat of his breath

embraces her neck as he lowers to her chest.

He slides his hand across her breast...erect with sheer desire.

She giggles in delight but her breath is lost as he wraps his mouth around her. She holds her breath as she pulls him closer to her bosom.

Her mouth lingers open as frenzy shutters through her body.

He releases her from his mouth only to entice her lips once more.

He presses her harder into the wall as she grasps him closer to her.

Wanting him here.

Wanting him now.

Wanting him to pull her onto his hips and...

No.

wait...

Not yet...

Please not yet..She pushes him back.

They step into the bedroom. The candles flicker with as much excitement as she does.

He lies upon the bed.

She rubs the oil onto his body tracing every muscle, every inch.

She bites her lip as she feels the strength beneath her fingertips as she glides her hands along his body.

She rubs with a little more intensity, biting her lip, trying to hide the images flashing through her mind. She fights back the urge to pull him close. To gather him deep inside her. The image of him bearing into her, nails tearing across her thighs. Her ripping at him to entice him deeper, harder. How can she tell him the scene enfolding deep within her?

He finally grabs her

...she heaves him between her...

...already wet from the shear delight of touching his body, of watching his body lying still and controlled beneath the candles flames.

With passion he slides into her as trepidation explodes throughout her body...

Can't give it all away...that just would be kissing and telling...

Senses

I recall your touch....

the firm pressure of your palms against my skin...

your fingers slightly pressing against me

as you slide your capable hands along my thighs

I recall the feel...

the warmth of your breath....

the heat of your lips as they trace my breast

I recall the sound...

the rhythm of your heart...

how it softened my mistrust as you held me close

I recall the taste...

the taste of mint as your tongue glided across mine.

The taste of zest as I licked my lips

I recall the aroma...

that delightful aroma of you

as you glissaded into me

I recall it every time I think of you. I recall it every time I close my eyes. I recall it every time I hear your voice...

It excites my senses...

...all over again.

So this Friday night will always be affectionately known as the show from hell. Lines were flubbed, people stumbled and I...yes I... busted my ass right on stage. Or should I say I busted my ass as it was sliding off stage at a mock 5 with possibly showing my who-ha to the entire audience even though I tried to keep my legs together with all my might. I believe I succeeded, but who knows. At the end of the show during the meet and greet there was this glint in all the old men's eyes and for some reason all the younger guys seem to be carrying around sticks in there pockets. A few hit my hip as they were passing by. Hmmm..must be the new craze. I wonder where I can get my stick? I like to have all the newest gadgets.

Anyways, after drinks with cast friends, I left to...help move! That's right...I went to load boxes all night and early morning long helping 'Mr. S' move (names have been changed to protect the never innocent). I enjoyed it. At first I supposedly was the dainty girl but finally they let me help. The dainty girl suits me some times, but it's just not me. I love to help. I love to be active. I love to be a little rough. Now that's just the kind of girl I am.

We rode in a large box truck to his home. The conversation going on hung deep inside me as I learned more about him. My mouth unable to move as no words escaped me. But, yelling through my eyes, my every pore was 'let me pull you closer to me. Let me tell you everything will be better.'

During the move I found myself wrapped against him. Standing under the glow of the moonlight held in his arms. As I gazed upwards, his smile beamed more sereness and passion than the stars. His eyes radiated more sensuality and mystery than the moon itself. The smell of his skin wafted towards me tingling my senses, the heat of his touch electrified my body. But what did I feel? What did I melt into? Was it the feeling of lust as it usually is? No...the feeling of a friendship. The feeling of a kindredship. The feeling of...belonging. Of simply being.

It was wonderful. The drive home eluded to even more depth. Jazz flowed through the car embracing the air.

Jazz...

To enjoy jazz, to really connect with it, you have to have a certain depth to you. It connects to a certain aspect of your soul that other music just can not reach. I believe jazz appeals to the basis of raw emotion. The very essence of purity, passion, lust, sensuality, hate, despair, empathy and compassion. The very essence of what makes us human.

There in that moment. Light reflected into a place that has been dark for so long. A light....that created a spark. A spark that says...me...myself....I...
...I am desirable...