Focus...

A friend we'll call her 'Shazzy' had wrote in her blog of 'focus therapy' how she finally put a name to the feelings of why her ex made her so upset all the time. I believe I have just had an experience similar.

While watching 'Ghost Town' Tea Leoni says of her dead husband that he was unfaithful. The dead husband makes a comment that he never knew she knew and Tea Leoni goes on and says something to the effect of 'why wasn't I enough' ... (pause to get breath and hold back tears)...

That hit me. That really hit me. It was like scales being torn from my eyes and I could see it. The whole deal with my 'husband removed' and his drug problem, going in and out of rehab, getting better only to relapse, his going out in the middle of the night searching for drugs, even digging through dumpsters, made me feel...'why am i not enough?"

I cried and cried when I got the revelation watching the movie. That was exactly what all the blows to my self-esteem were, the anger burst...not knowing where they came from, the frustration, the hurt, the sadness, the bitterness...it was all...'why wasn't i enough?'

Why wasn't I enough to love, why wasn't I enough to fulfill your craving, why wasn't I enough'.

So now this revelation ponders in my soul...when i realize...

when i really realize...

when I really realize I am enough...

I will be.