Okay on Tuesday he gets a little beered up at his house. Which I haven't seen him do before so I don't quite know what to expect when he calls. So we get in this conversation and he basically says that I just think of him as a boy toy and that there is a problem because he could see us in a relationship. I just didn't know what to say. He just broke all the rules. Hell it is not like I love him. It is not like I could ever see myself in a relationship with him. I just care for him as a friend. Geesh, just give me the sex I crave and go on about your business. It did make me think though. SO... I figured I would let him know that I do like him, he's not just some boy toy. So I sent the following email (forgive the mellow dramatic view...I'm a Libra):
I am just going to go ahead and say what I want to say. I know I should keep the mouth shut but it seems to have a broken switch at the moment. So here it is.
I don't hide what I think at all. I am very open with it. But I do hide what I feel. I hide it a little too well. I'll just be honest and tell you and offer my sincerest apologies.
I liked you when I met you. I like the way you speak. I like the way you carry yourself. I didn't just listen to the way you spoke but what you were saying. I listened very intently and I liked you. I knew I could click with you. The more I spoke with to you the more I liked you.
I said it was to be a one night thing and that was what I was doing because ...I grew up with a lot of males and a brother. I know the way they talk and I've heard all the smack with girls. How they would pick a girl up, sleep with her, and then she becomes all emotional and they laugh at her because it was sex and that's it. It was a one night stand it's not like they are going to date her or even be friends with her.
So... I know you said no attachments and you meant it. So...I hid it...I hid it a little too well. I didn't want to be the silly girl the guys laugh at for thinking that a one night fling would be anything more and that we would be friends after wards. Even though you know what...I was.
All I knew that evening was I wanted to be next to you. If it was just for that evening then that was what I was accepting. But...it wasn't. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot. Not just the sex...to which you know was wonderful...but because I enjoyed being with you. You as a person.
I got hung up on this 5 thing because it scarred me.
(insert name here)...I talk a lot...but you know what...I fell for you. I did. I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing from you. The sight of an email from you or the sound of your voice makes me smile from ear to ear. The touch of your hand against my skin ignites my body into a blast of fireworks. Not just the anticipation of sex and how wonderful it is, but because I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing about your day whether good or bad.
I tried really, really hard to keep this in what I thought was the correct perspective. I did play a game. But the game was not the same as yours...my game was hiding how I really felt.
Even with knowing the fact that you would have other women, interest and so forth. I knew there were no other men I was entertaining. I was willing to keep it to myself, not dare let on, and hide the fact that...I like you. Your not a boy toy. Your not a sex fling. I legitimately like you. But I knew if I told you that it would stop. I was afraid. I still am afraid that's what you'll say. I didn't want to be like the other girls. I didn't want to tell you and feel like a complete fool. Like a silly, little girl.
When you asked me 3 questions the answer to everyone one was yes. yes. and yes. Yes I think about you in a different capacity. Yes you mean something to me. Yes yes and yes. I knew if I said it, it would prove your point of emotions. That you can separate and the girls can't.
Well...I can't separate. But I can hide it. And I did not want to push it down your throat while you were dealing with everything else.
I knew you already had a lot on your plate and I didn't want to add anymore to it. I didn't want my silly girl emotions to bother you and I didn't want you to have to feel the need to say something. So...I got a bit testy...because...I was trying to play the front the way I thought it should be played. I tried to play like I had no emotions what so ever and instead of it coming across as bold...I believe it came across as rude and insulting. I am sorry. I promise that I didn't mean it to.
Do I normally run. Yes. Do I want to run...
no.
That scares me.
I don't want to run at all.
I like seeing you smile. I like doing something that makes you giggle. I like the way it feels when I can do something for you. You said when has it ever not been about me. You asked do any of my fantasies not include pleasing someone else and they are supposed to be about pleasing me...well...Truthfully I didn't start having full fantasies again until this thing with you and I. You sparked it. My fantasies were...having a relationship. I figured it was something I would never have again and so that's what my fantasies were and are. My fantasies are about mutuality because that's what I want. Someone to kiss. Someone to share daily adventures with. A best friend.
God this makes me sound like I am a silly 16 year old. I have worked very hard at being so 'unfeeling' in this area and so 'mature' that I feel like an absolute silly silly girl. Last night when I didn't speak to you I felt kind of...well...
Anyways to continue on. That's the truth. I should have told you but I was afraid you would never want to see me again. I was afraid I would lose this moment I was enjoying so much. I was afraid we wouldn't even be able to be friends. I was afraid because I know no attachment is exactly what you meant and I had broken it.
I guess what I am saying is I am sorry. I hope we can still chit chat. I would like to still keep the other but I understand you said no if I felt something. But, in my defense I hid it so well.
Well (name insertion here). There it is. That's how I felt. That's how I feel.
Now...the awkward silence. The awkward waiting period.
I just didn't think it fair not to tell you.
Well...if you would like to talk about this or whatever you would like, I'll be available.
I don't hide what I think at all. I am very open with it. But I do hide what I feel. I hide it a little too well. I'll just be honest and tell you and offer my sincerest apologies.
I liked you when I met you. I like the way you speak. I like the way you carry yourself. I didn't just listen to the way you spoke but what you were saying. I listened very intently and I liked you. I knew I could click with you. The more I spoke with to you the more I liked you.
I said it was to be a one night thing and that was what I was doing because ...I grew up with a lot of males and a brother. I know the way they talk and I've heard all the smack with girls. How they would pick a girl up, sleep with her, and then she becomes all emotional and they laugh at her because it was sex and that's it. It was a one night stand it's not like they are going to date her or even be friends with her.
So... I know you said no attachments and you meant it. So...I hid it...I hid it a little too well. I didn't want to be the silly girl the guys laugh at for thinking that a one night fling would be anything more and that we would be friends after wards. Even though you know what...I was.
All I knew that evening was I wanted to be next to you. If it was just for that evening then that was what I was accepting. But...it wasn't. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot. Not just the sex...to which you know was wonderful...but because I enjoyed being with you. You as a person.
I got hung up on this 5 thing because it scarred me.
(insert name here)...I talk a lot...but you know what...I fell for you. I did. I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing from you. The sight of an email from you or the sound of your voice makes me smile from ear to ear. The touch of your hand against my skin ignites my body into a blast of fireworks. Not just the anticipation of sex and how wonderful it is, but because I enjoy being with you. I enjoy hearing about your day whether good or bad.
I tried really, really hard to keep this in what I thought was the correct perspective. I did play a game. But the game was not the same as yours...my game was hiding how I really felt.
Even with knowing the fact that you would have other women, interest and so forth. I knew there were no other men I was entertaining. I was willing to keep it to myself, not dare let on, and hide the fact that...I like you. Your not a boy toy. Your not a sex fling. I legitimately like you. But I knew if I told you that it would stop. I was afraid. I still am afraid that's what you'll say. I didn't want to be like the other girls. I didn't want to tell you and feel like a complete fool. Like a silly, little girl.
When you asked me 3 questions the answer to everyone one was yes. yes. and yes. Yes I think about you in a different capacity. Yes you mean something to me. Yes yes and yes. I knew if I said it, it would prove your point of emotions. That you can separate and the girls can't.
Well...I can't separate. But I can hide it. And I did not want to push it down your throat while you were dealing with everything else.
I knew you already had a lot on your plate and I didn't want to add anymore to it. I didn't want my silly girl emotions to bother you and I didn't want you to have to feel the need to say something. So...I got a bit testy...because...I was trying to play the front the way I thought it should be played. I tried to play like I had no emotions what so ever and instead of it coming across as bold...I believe it came across as rude and insulting. I am sorry. I promise that I didn't mean it to.
Do I normally run. Yes. Do I want to run...
no.
That scares me.
I don't want to run at all.
I like seeing you smile. I like doing something that makes you giggle. I like the way it feels when I can do something for you. You said when has it ever not been about me. You asked do any of my fantasies not include pleasing someone else and they are supposed to be about pleasing me...well...Truthfully I didn't start having full fantasies again until this thing with you and I. You sparked it. My fantasies were...having a relationship. I figured it was something I would never have again and so that's what my fantasies were and are. My fantasies are about mutuality because that's what I want. Someone to kiss. Someone to share daily adventures with. A best friend.
God this makes me sound like I am a silly 16 year old. I have worked very hard at being so 'unfeeling' in this area and so 'mature' that I feel like an absolute silly silly girl. Last night when I didn't speak to you I felt kind of...well...
Anyways to continue on. That's the truth. I should have told you but I was afraid you would never want to see me again. I was afraid I would lose this moment I was enjoying so much. I was afraid we wouldn't even be able to be friends. I was afraid because I know no attachment is exactly what you meant and I had broken it.
I guess what I am saying is I am sorry. I hope we can still chit chat. I would like to still keep the other but I understand you said no if I felt something. But, in my defense I hid it so well.
Well (name insertion here). There it is. That's how I felt. That's how I feel.
Now...the awkward silence. The awkward waiting period.
I just didn't think it fair not to tell you.
Well...if you would like to talk about this or whatever you would like, I'll be available.
So after that email there was absolutely NO response. So later that evening I called him. He answered and was 'unavailable' that evening due to yadda yadda yadda. So, I that night I went to the dojo and had sooo much fun. It was very enjoyable. I couldn't wait to tell him about it. Not to say na-na-na-na, but because I genuinely was excited to share with him. The email went like this:
Good Morning. I tried to figure out what I wanted to do last night so (no chance of sitting at home...too much adrenaline pumping)so...I went to the dojo. I haven't been in 2 years. When I got there it was like it had never changed. My sensei was so excited I was there. I got there around 7:30 and classes were just ending. So I was chit-chatting with my Sensie and I told him 'gosh I really just wanted to hit something. My day has been completely crappy' (rough day at work :)) So, he said to go get my gear on. I didn't have to fully dress out, which I was happy about, only t-shirt, pants, and belt. We had our own little fight session.
He apparently is training MMA fighters now (we were training in kick boxing when I left the dojo). The recent MMA fight at the Shriner's, that was his. Anyways...so instead of putting on sparring gear we just donned a little cotton shin/instep pad and a light pair of gloves (their like really thin workout gloves) and we went to town. (Okay, extremely easy and soft since I am just coming back)Kicks, knee strikes, punches, jabs, Oh I loved it!!! We only went like 20% power so nobody got hurt, except I have still managed to end up with a bruise on my shin. And yes, he did have to joke on my being a little girly and getting soft, until about the 2nd gut punch then the competitive streak kicked in. I was going to town when he did a leg shoot and put me down. Oh how unfair! Guess I need to work on my jiu jitsu a lot more.
Anyways it ended with shooting pool and I'm supposed to come to the training on MMA...just for fun. I don't want to compete anymore. I've done the kickboxing and enjoyed it, but...I don't think I want to play in the MMA arenas. I suppose I have become a little soft :( LOL! Something about Elbow strikes just doesn't sound like my idea of a good time or could be soft because I haven't worked out in forever, whichever soft...anyways...LOL).
Well I just couldn't wait to tell about last night. You know...the whole friend thing. How did your evening go? Did you manage to work any sleep in?
Have a great day!
Oh and all over the news this morning was Gina Carano and her fight with Cristiane Santo that's to be this weekend. I think I want to catch that it. I bet it'll be great.
He apparently is training MMA fighters now (we were training in kick boxing when I left the dojo). The recent MMA fight at the Shriner's, that was his. Anyways...so instead of putting on sparring gear we just donned a little cotton shin/instep pad and a light pair of gloves (their like really thin workout gloves) and we went to town. (Okay, extremely easy and soft since I am just coming back)Kicks, knee strikes, punches, jabs, Oh I loved it!!! We only went like 20% power so nobody got hurt, except I have still managed to end up with a bruise on my shin. And yes, he did have to joke on my being a little girly and getting soft, until about the 2nd gut punch then the competitive streak kicked in. I was going to town when he did a leg shoot and put me down. Oh how unfair! Guess I need to work on my jiu jitsu a lot more.
Anyways it ended with shooting pool and I'm supposed to come to the training on MMA...just for fun. I don't want to compete anymore. I've done the kickboxing and enjoyed it, but...I don't think I want to play in the MMA arenas. I suppose I have become a little soft :( LOL! Something about Elbow strikes just doesn't sound like my idea of a good time or could be soft because I haven't worked out in forever, whichever soft...anyways...LOL).
Well I just couldn't wait to tell about last night. You know...the whole friend thing. How did your evening go? Did you manage to work any sleep in?
Have a great day!
Oh and all over the news this morning was Gina Carano and her fight with Cristiane Santo that's to be this weekend. I think I want to catch that it. I bet it'll be great.
I wasn't going to call but on Saturday night. I really wanted to 'do' something (oh yes pun intended)so I called (even if it wasn't to 'do' anything I just wanted to see him). No answer (insert disappointment here). Geesh this is frustrating the hell out of me. I didn't call or anything Sunday and I am not going to anytime soon. I am waiting on him to call. But I think we are both a bit obstinate and prideful so we'll see who breaks first. Or should I just break. No dang it he's going to have to just call and be nice.
Geesh the feely email wasn't like I said 'hey I'm in love with you and I want to date' it just expressed I liked him. Hell I like my girlfriends that much too and they aren't all wigged out by it. Okay maybe not the part about the body exploding when they touch me, but the rest. When you are my friend I genuinely like you. No hold barred. That's just how I do everything. In the extreme. Their are some mild gears on me but...if you get mild...you haven't passed acquaintance yet, LOL!. Gosh it's just how I write. I am just out there and don't mind telling you. I just happen to be really descriptive when I am trying to describe something, especially feelings. So goodness weirded out on me. That's just my personality. That's just how I express myself. I mean did he take this to mean I was in love with him and I wanted something more. Cause...he got it all wrong if he did. I mean...if he wanted more I would be willing to try. I would like to see what would happen. I'm a curious sort. But geesh let's keep this real here for a moment...I haven't known him that long and it's not like I would be professing anything more than I like you.
Goodness gracious...I only wrote the email because I wanted him to see he wasn't a freaking boy toy that I actually enjoyed his company when I was with him and that he makes me all giggly inside. Geesh...WHY SUCH DRAMA???
If I was a guy and doing this there would never have been all this. But I'm a girl so I'm supposed to behave differently I suppose. It's not fair. It's just not fair.
So I sit here wondering...what will happen now? What is he thinking? What did I do?
I really just don't get it. I really just don't understand what the heck is going on here.
Do any of you???
