An old Journal

I was cleaning today and found one of several journals I had written in. I opened it up and came across a few freestyles I wrote. I immediately remembered the night they were written. I remember the tears that streamed down my face. I remembered the pain of my heart ripping into pieces and wondering if they would ever be able to be put back together. I remember thinking will the pain ever stop hurting. Will the nightmare ever end or would it always be that way.

Since this blog is about the thoughts of a divorced woman and what she experiences in the dark nights when no one is there to listen I thought what an insight on what it is like to live in the midst of hell. What it is like to live in the midst of a husband with a secret addiction and feel helpless because you want to believe with all your heart that he is not on anything the whole while everything else is telling you he is. What torment it is to wake up in the middle of the night to find he's left you again and all you want is for someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. To know what agony to have absolutely no one to call because you have been isolated from the entire world and all you have are the children you are trying to protect and your own thoughts. The thoughts that wreak havoc on your sanity as each day passes that your there. So...with out further interruption...here are the few freestyles I came across that were written out of the deepest pain through tear flooded eyes:

Daddy's car

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope it's just the neighbor coming home

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope...just myself and the boys all alone.

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope it's just the hush of my son's cries

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope, it's just my son wishing there were no goodbyes.

Shh...can you hear that?

Nope it's just the sound of drums

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope, it's just the anger of (son's name here), the youngest son.

Shh...Can you hear that?

Nope, it's not daddy's car

Shh...can you hear that?

No, no, it's not Daddy.

His heart is still so very far.

A marriage slipping

Listening, waiting

quiet, hating

hurt, sadness

silence, madness

breaking, tearing, begging, pleading

confusion, quilt

despair, wilt

Weak, pain

lost, shame.

A happy family

(Older son's name here) is sad, sensitive, angry, stressed, emotional, ready to pop

(Younger son's name here) is angry, acting out, mad and inconsolably sad

Mom is worn out, crying, hurting, wanting it to stop

(Spouse's name here) is out there lost, wasting, lying, forgotten about being Dad.

Slipping

So Black.

So Black.

So BLACK!

I'm so alone. So alone. So ALONE!

So Heavy. So heavy. So heavy.

Why? Why? Why?

So discarded and tossed aside.

The pain so intense inside. So much my lips feel numb. So much my cheeks are numb. Tears stream, can't stop.

Slipping. Slipping. Slipping.

So BLACK. so Black. so black.