I'm bringing Sexy back

Well the unfolding of the drama in divorcee land continues....

I called the county jail again to see if the ex is still sitting there. I use to call every day, then every other day, then it dwindled to once a week. Sometimes if I was feeling particular confident I would even skip a week, but never more.

Now regarding this particular call lets back up....

I had checked just last week on the computer to see if he was still there (as I call and computer search) and had noticed his bond was changed. It was 30,000 and then read 0.00. Now I didn't know what that meant so I didn't know to ask about it.

So today when I called she told me...He was going to prison. Going to prison. Wow. I don't even know how I feel about that. I don't feel anything about it. I know there is something going on because my chest is a little tight but I don't consciously feel a bit of remorse.

I don't have any criminals in my family so this is a whole new area for me still.
I don't feel embarrassed about it anymore as I have come to terms with the fact that he does not define me and the actions and path he chose to take does not reflect me. I am my own woman now. the actions I choose to perform reflect me. I am not his other half any longer.

That's sounds so easy to say now and it looks so simple to understand but it wasn't long ago I struggled with that issue. I struggled hard to find what defined me. I struggled hard with holding my head held high knowing my husband was in jail.

So...what does this mean now. It means I have a little more time to breath. It means I can finally let my guard down for a little while and not hold my breath in fear every time I open the door to the house wondering if he is there.

It means I don't have to look around everywhere wondering if he is watching me.

It means I don't have to make a phone call every week and wait with my stomach in knots until the jail clerk tells me the answer.

It means an even bigger since of freedom. Not a facade of freedom. But the freedom that means you can sore with out fear.

On that note I will tell you that I am so elated. I feel as if I just won a lottery.

In turn though, I feel incredibly guilty for this feeling. Incredibly guilty that I feel this sense of elation at the downfall of another.

I am not glad that he is going to prison. I am not glad that anyone should choose that path and be held like a captive dog away from society because when they are let out they prey upon them like a savage beast. But selfishly I am glad because I no longer have to fear.

Bitter Sweet.

For the sweet. Guess who I spoke with last night...the infamous Mr. S.

Yes, Mister Sexy himself. It was lovely. The conversation was as if nothing had changed. It was an absolute delight.

So...does this mean that my creative mojo will come back? I hope so! It would be just in time for the play competition the 24th. Oh how I need my mojo. It was starting to wane.

How can one person have such a force over you? I have felt it before. A taboo force that drives you. Once many years ago. A taboo force that gave me confidence, strength.But that's another post.