Enchantment

A new development in the saga of a divorcee'. These days everything burns a little brighter. The birds sing a little louder. The wind blows a little warmer.

This happened a little differently. This took me by surprise. This snuck up behind me, grabbed me from the back (nibbled my neck first) and held me in its embrace. I believe I am enchanted. Okay I would say LOVE, but goodness that is a strong word. I have not uttered the word 'Love' in a very long time. I would say years. Well, not to a man. I will not say it now. I don't love, I am to feisty and fierce for that nonsense. So I will not. I will say enchanted. Yes, he enchants me.

He makes my heart melt. Feeling things I have for so long not felt. I have felt intense lust and infatuation. I have felt pain. I have felt happiness, joy, and disdain.

But this man elicits something so much more than superficial feelings. He elicits thoughtful emotions. He elicits my mind to wonder. He elicits me to curiosity.

I want to know how he thinks. How he likes his eggs cooked. I wonder what he will be like 10 years from now. I wonder how he brushes his teeth. I wonder what his days are like.

Here is where it gets even more aloof...I think of when he is sick, bringing him soup and wiping his fevered brow. I think of rubbing his feet when they are tired and aching. I think of helping him decide a tough decision. I think of holding his hand through the pouring rain. I think of helping him pick up a fallen glass. I think of if he should ever fall terminally ill, standing by his side and caring for him as best I am able. I think of folding his laundry and putting it away neatly in a drawer. I think of dinners at the table. I think of silly things I can do to turn his head. I think of kinky things to do to entice his desires. I think of the vixen to play just for him. I think of simply walking by his side. Of course I would not tell him these things. I can't believe I think them myself.

When I think of him all the different parts of who I am, all want to have equal say. The vixen, the coy, the shy, the funny, the goofy, the silly, the nerd, the clever, the passionate, the procrastinate, the doer, the actor, the mother, the lover, they all are there for him to see. All the different sides, I hide, I only show parts of to different people, but to him...the whole.

When I think of him I smile. My eyes glow, my heart warms. My toes even warm. My chest swells a mile and he matters. I care what he thinks. Me...I care what he thinks. Me, who is perfectly content in her own world, with her own things, with her own finances, with her own hobbies, with her own ways. Me, I want him to be a part of my world and I a part of his.

I do not know how it happened. I do not know when it occurred, but me, me, I want to enchant this man. I want to enchant this incredible man.

Me, the runner, the never love you. Me, the to hell if I will ever cook you dinner, you can do it yourself. Me, the leave me alone if your sick and call your mother. Me, the I don't care what your thinking and I definitely don't want to hear your feelings. Me, the I can do it all on my own and I need no one. That me. That tough, push them all back me...wants him more than I care to admit. That me wants to hold him, to care for him, to enchant him for as long as he has breath. That me, has given in to the sweet , fragile, docile, yet strong and powerful woman who hides behind all the masks; That terrified of enchantment me , wants to cast a spell on him so completely that no other can break it.

That me...

That well...That I...

I am completely taken aback by this man. This wonderful, amazing man, and I have discovered that I believe he enchants me...

don't make me say it...

resist, resist...

I refuse...

I give in...that me...

that I...

I love Him.

I love you.

Alright blog now it is up to you to keep my secret, because I will never tell! I have to many things to do than to do that!

Didn't see that one coming did you bloggers. Oh my so now what to write about...Hmmm...I could write about the escapades between he and I. That could give you all a run for your money. I think there was even Saran Wrap involved!

A treasure

Hold me till the pain subsides...

not to close, I am still healing.

Love me for always...

not to much, I am still soaring.

Want me fervently...

not to much, there will be no apprehending.

Touch me with tenderness...

not to close, there will be no yielding

Be my friend ...

and I will treasure you always

Once again I am returned. Returned here to this state of unrest. Returned here to the tears. He is out. He has been set free. Which has condemned me to my prison. My place of torment.

To confound this, my lawyer has royally screwed me. If he could mess up even more he would be New trainee at Burger King. He didn't give me my order. I didn't get it how I wanted. The whole thing is terribly wrong. He has sentenced my children to visitations with that man.
Would he leave his children with a known drug user?
Would he leave his children with a known convict?
No.
So why must he subject me to this torture.
It was supposed to be in the divorce decree NO VISITATIONS!
How did the Bastard screw up so horribly?

I have been through this lawyer hitting on me
Demeaning me
Yanking me around
Taking his dear sweet time
Losing my paperwork repeatedly.
And yet the lawyer still tells me 'Don't worry Hun everything will be alright'.

Has he been the one to try and put this family back together again from scratch?
I doubt it.
The Bastard!

I meet with the Bastard tomorrow. He used to be my lawyer whom I relied. Now he is just a bastard. He practically has represented the misfit and has left my 2 boys to pay the price.

Do not corner a Momma Lion protecting her cubs my dear. You may just get more than you could have ever bargained for!

I have nothing to offer you, but the heart that beats within.

I have nothing to offer you, but the thoughts of my soul.

I have nothing to offer you, but my kisses and my touch.

I have nothing to offer you, but a place to rest and a shoulder to cry.

I have nothing to offer you, but a smile to warm the day.

I have nothing to offer...but me.

Am I enough?

Nothing else matters

What is it like to be a single mother? What is it like to be a son without a father?

Sitting in the midst of the night. The dishwasher running, the dryer humming. Tired from the long day of work, making dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the house or at least trying. Yet you find the strength to hold your son with his head pressed tightly to your chest.

You wrap your arms around him as securely as you can and rock him while he presses against you. His tears catching upon your shirt. The tears form the puddle of the river his heart is crying. Yet you can do nothing to mend the hole. You can do nothing to stop the hurt that is pulsing throughout him. All you can do is sit, stroke his hair, pat his back, and hold him tightly to your bosom.

You can do nothing but kiss his cheeks, his forehead and whisper how much you love him. You can do nothing while he longs for a father's touch.

These are the moments when your heart breaks. When your heart aches with every beat of his crying agony. This is the moment when nothing else matters.
This is the moment when friends, work, loves, when none of it matters.

This is the moment when you realize that you are all he has.

This is the moment you realize that everything you do is for him.

This is the moment when you realize that you have to give it all you have to make a way for him.

This is the moment when you realize you have to dig in even further and pull out every bit of determination, strength, endurance, courage, and will that you have and persevere on.
This is the moment when you realize you can' t look at what you don't have but grab a hold of what you do and make it better.

This is the moment where you realize that your petty wants for love, for affection, for a mate are so minor in the face of what you have to do.

In the face of what lies before you.

In the face of what you have rocking, steadily crying in your hands.

This is the moment

where you are

mom.

Standing in line, license in had. People around me. No one talks to me. No one smiles. There faces all vary in emotion. Some have hard lines of defiance, others sparkles and stars emit from there eyes whole others have the look of defeat. What's mine? The look of shame.Feeling lowly eyes diverted from every ones. I try to maintain composure but it simply comes across as cold. I'm not cold, just trying to preserve the last bit of dignity that remains.I hand the lady behind the thick glass my license. She writes my information upon a log. Is it the lamb's book of life or the devils book of advocates? To me the book of despair. The book of humiliation. The book of a chapter that should never have been written. Some epic novel that doesn't seem like it's my life but someone else’s.I sit, wiping the chair first. As if this will magically cleanse the degradation that has sat there before me. I wait. Head swirling. Unable to hold to any thought. Unable to grasp the emotion. There's none. My head erect, shoulders squared, back straight as I sit. Legs crossed, right over left, hands folded precise and direct. Nose tilted slightly up. Am I haughty? Prideful? No none of these things. None at all. I've been humbled through it all. But the actress in me covers for my shortcomings and falls. The actress in me...refuses to convey to this audience my chagrin. It refuses to convey to this audience the self-disgust, the self-reproof that is harbored behind its opaque window. Look in it invites and see the colors of honor. The colors of unreproach. But you will not find the tears. You will not find the loathing. You will not find the knees that are bent by the bedside holding on to the folds of a comforter, face buried in the side of the bed begging for the pain to stop unable to stand from the shock that has been delivered.You will not find the mouth covered by the hands as I sit in the restroom, the furthest place to be isolated, tears silently dripping upon the floor. Quiet so no one hears the heartache that has ripped me in to pieces.
What you will find is the strength, the determination and the unspeakable joy that can never be taken. What you will find is a zest for life and for human kind. What you will find is a part of love that never died. That will never wither. What you will find is honesty and respect. What you will find...is my character. Something that can never be destroyed.

corseted in red

bound by black

tighten the bindings behind my back

smooth and slow

thoughtful and distinct

plotted from pure carnal instinct

His thoughts dip me as if a dance

teasing my senses, this unknown man

Opening the locks

revealing the keys

to the hidden chambers

kept from all to see

Release the passion

the lust

the wiles

Bounded

blind

but unafraid

life's puppet to this charade

Walking through life

eyes closed tight

wearing the mask

of an emotionless plight

but touch me

hold me

and you will feel

the rushing of thoughts which are concealed

So tighten them tight

Bind them true

teach me to trust

open that part kept abstruse