Once again I am returned. Returned here to this state of unrest. Returned here to the tears. He is out. He has been set free. Which has condemned me to my prison. My place of torment.

To confound this, my lawyer has royally screwed me. If he could mess up even more he would be New trainee at Burger King. He didn't give me my order. I didn't get it how I wanted. The whole thing is terribly wrong. He has sentenced my children to visitations with that man.
Would he leave his children with a known drug user?
Would he leave his children with a known convict?
No.
So why must he subject me to this torture.
It was supposed to be in the divorce decree NO VISITATIONS!
How did the Bastard screw up so horribly?

I have been through this lawyer hitting on me
Demeaning me
Yanking me around
Taking his dear sweet time
Losing my paperwork repeatedly.
And yet the lawyer still tells me 'Don't worry Hun everything will be alright'.

Has he been the one to try and put this family back together again from scratch?
I doubt it.
The Bastard!

I meet with the Bastard tomorrow. He used to be my lawyer whom I relied. Now he is just a bastard. He practically has represented the misfit and has left my 2 boys to pay the price.

Do not corner a Momma Lion protecting her cubs my dear. You may just get more than you could have ever bargained for!

I have nothing to offer you, but the heart that beats within.

I have nothing to offer you, but the thoughts of my soul.

I have nothing to offer you, but my kisses and my touch.

I have nothing to offer you, but a place to rest and a shoulder to cry.

I have nothing to offer you, but a smile to warm the day.

I have nothing to offer...but me.

Am I enough?

Nothing else matters

What is it like to be a single mother? What is it like to be a son without a father?

Sitting in the midst of the night. The dishwasher running, the dryer humming. Tired from the long day of work, making dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the house or at least trying. Yet you find the strength to hold your son with his head pressed tightly to your chest.

You wrap your arms around him as securely as you can and rock him while he presses against you. His tears catching upon your shirt. The tears form the puddle of the river his heart is crying. Yet you can do nothing to mend the hole. You can do nothing to stop the hurt that is pulsing throughout him. All you can do is sit, stroke his hair, pat his back, and hold him tightly to your bosom.

You can do nothing but kiss his cheeks, his forehead and whisper how much you love him. You can do nothing while he longs for a father's touch.

These are the moments when your heart breaks. When your heart aches with every beat of his crying agony. This is the moment when nothing else matters.
This is the moment when friends, work, loves, when none of it matters.

This is the moment when you realize that you are all he has.

This is the moment you realize that everything you do is for him.

This is the moment when you realize that you have to give it all you have to make a way for him.

This is the moment when you realize you have to dig in even further and pull out every bit of determination, strength, endurance, courage, and will that you have and persevere on.
This is the moment when you realize you can' t look at what you don't have but grab a hold of what you do and make it better.

This is the moment where you realize that your petty wants for love, for affection, for a mate are so minor in the face of what you have to do.

In the face of what lies before you.

In the face of what you have rocking, steadily crying in your hands.

This is the moment

where you are

mom.

Standing in line, license in had. People around me. No one talks to me. No one smiles. There faces all vary in emotion. Some have hard lines of defiance, others sparkles and stars emit from there eyes whole others have the look of defeat. What's mine? The look of shame.Feeling lowly eyes diverted from every ones. I try to maintain composure but it simply comes across as cold. I'm not cold, just trying to preserve the last bit of dignity that remains.I hand the lady behind the thick glass my license. She writes my information upon a log. Is it the lamb's book of life or the devils book of advocates? To me the book of despair. The book of humiliation. The book of a chapter that should never have been written. Some epic novel that doesn't seem like it's my life but someone else’s.I sit, wiping the chair first. As if this will magically cleanse the degradation that has sat there before me. I wait. Head swirling. Unable to hold to any thought. Unable to grasp the emotion. There's none. My head erect, shoulders squared, back straight as I sit. Legs crossed, right over left, hands folded precise and direct. Nose tilted slightly up. Am I haughty? Prideful? No none of these things. None at all. I've been humbled through it all. But the actress in me covers for my shortcomings and falls. The actress in me...refuses to convey to this audience my chagrin. It refuses to convey to this audience the self-disgust, the self-reproof that is harbored behind its opaque window. Look in it invites and see the colors of honor. The colors of unreproach. But you will not find the tears. You will not find the loathing. You will not find the knees that are bent by the bedside holding on to the folds of a comforter, face buried in the side of the bed begging for the pain to stop unable to stand from the shock that has been delivered.You will not find the mouth covered by the hands as I sit in the restroom, the furthest place to be isolated, tears silently dripping upon the floor. Quiet so no one hears the heartache that has ripped me in to pieces.
What you will find is the strength, the determination and the unspeakable joy that can never be taken. What you will find is a zest for life and for human kind. What you will find is a part of love that never died. That will never wither. What you will find is honesty and respect. What you will find...is my character. Something that can never be destroyed.

corseted in red

bound by black

tighten the bindings behind my back

smooth and slow

thoughtful and distinct

plotted from pure carnal instinct

His thoughts dip me as if a dance

teasing my senses, this unknown man

Opening the locks

revealing the keys

to the hidden chambers

kept from all to see

Release the passion

the lust

the wiles

Bounded

blind

but unafraid

life's puppet to this charade

Walking through life

eyes closed tight

wearing the mask

of an emotionless plight

but touch me

hold me

and you will feel

the rushing of thoughts which are concealed

So tighten them tight

Bind them true

teach me to trust

open that part kept abstruse

No congratulations, but then again...None is needed.

Have you ever done something that felt so right, that felt so exhilarating only to have the very rug ripped from you?

Have you ever experienced an accomplishment and been so elated just to have it dashed?

If you have, I understand that emotion. That emotion that is so conflicting. The emotion guilt, elation, anger, happiness, confusion all rolled into one discombobulated mess.

This weekend our cast went to the ACT theater competition. We performed our play all I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten. We performed through several blows against us that threatened to shake our focus.

We had a cast member to have her mother die, sending her to Oregon for a funeral and unable to compete.

A director who filled in for the missing cast member, memorizing the lines in one week and having one rehearsal with us, which happened to be the night before we left for the competition.

Once there we had a piano with a broken sustaining pedal that they finally found someone to come in and fix it.

Once it was fixed the piano crashed over.

We had the complete lack of sleep we all were working off of.

Take all this into consideration and it should have been a formula for disaster.

It indeed was not.

This group, this talented group rose to and above the occasion. We were even more determined to show that we belonged there. That we were there to win. That we...through it all...were going to let the playfulness and love for acting show through and infect each member of that audience.

We were there to give our craft the justice it deserved. The recognition that it merited.

And so we did. And so it was noted. We won best director. Best actor. Best cast ensemble. And we won Best in Show.

In addition we won the right to represent our state at the regional competition. What a fantastic honor.

All that and it brings me to home.

I arrive to my mom's to pick up my son. Is there a congratulations? No. Is there great job? no. Is there any appraisal or recognition? No. What was put forth was "and what's this going to get you? You have a child, a job your in training for, school...what purpose does this serve?"

What purpose does this serve? My children are taken care of. They are loved. They are cherished. I do my job and I do it well. I am in school and succeed at that too. Where did it say that when you have children you lose everything.

For as long as I can remember the arts was a waste of time. I felt silly for even sometimes wishing I could be an actor, or a writer, or that I dreamed of dancing when I was little. It was completely silly. So of course as an adult there would be no way that I would dare put forth from my lips...'you know...I enjoy acting. I enjoy writing.' as these are considered silly, frivolous talents. None of them warranting a second thought. Just a silly flight of fancy.

And when you have children...you can forget it. It's all over.

So, I started to do a few plays. I landed a few commercials. I got involved in a comedy troop. I tried stand up comedy yet, I kept it to myself. I did tell my family but none of them came. Ever. So it started that I wouldn't even tell them.

It's been a long process but I am finally reaching for my own. Finally coming into my own. Finally saying...to hell with the pretenses. To hell with the thoughts of others. To hell with what they think is the right thing for me. Because what is right for me...isn't always what's defined as correct. I know what works in my life and what doesn't. I am tired of living it someone else's way. It's mine for the taking and I plan on ceasing it.

I know my children and what responds best for them. I know the joy they have in their eyes when they have their accomplishments. So this life. This very life is mine, not anyone elses and I fully intend on making it whole despite the rhetoric.

But you know what...I've always been the one to if you say I can't...I say I will. If you say I won't...I say I did.

I will add this. I have been fortunate enough for a very few people to have been placed in my life that have been very encouraging.

They have all been in my life in different venues and capacities and all has been significant in helping me to reach independence. To reach where I am and where I am going.

So...thank you to each and everyone of you. Some know who you are, some will never know. But I thank you. I salute you.

WE WON! Yes WE WON! We wON the competition. We now compete at regionals!!!