On my way

Testing the winds to see if I can fly. Soaring upon the breeze. Feeling the air as it takes me higher. Higher. Higher to heights I’ve only dreamed.

Inquiring into the ocean to see if I can swim. The mighty sea takes me further. Further. Further than I thought it could.

Aspiring to be all that I can

Conceiving what I could be

Vigilant to what will

Trying Invane

(typed last night and just cut to here this morning)

I miss being in your embrace. To try and keep that thought from my mind is like trying to keep a bee from its nectar. Futile.

To try and keep the thought of the way the touch of your hand upon my skin felt is like trying to keep a drunk away from a wine bottle. Impossible when he can remember the warm feel of it sliding down his throat as it encircles its way to his stomach.

Trying to keep the sound of your voice from echoing in my ear is like trying to keep a kitten from its mother. Preposterous as it remembers the warmth and delight that sound accompanied.

Trying to keep the taste of your lips out of my senses is like trying to keep a child from an ice-cream stand. Vain, when they can remember the way the ice-cream tantalized there taste buds as it slid past their lips.

Trying to keep me from wanting you is like trying to keep the Northern Geese from migrating. Useless when the desire is burned upon their consciousness.

Tell me why I have allowed myself to be reduced to this. Tell me why I’m biting my lip at the thought of you. Tell me why you pass through my thoughts. Tell me why I am sitting in black bra, panties, and necklace typing this about you.

It’s simple.

I miss you.

I want you.

Badly.

Ode to a little extra weight

An Ode to Thick Women.

ugly. thick. fat.

that's what you say.

to the woman who doesn't look like you

to the woman with a little more sway.

Who gave you the right to tell us we're ugly. I like the way my thighs curve. I like the way my tummy shakes when I giggle to hard and it rolls a little when I sit down. I like the way my boobs are uneven. I like the way way my butt is plump. I like the way my eyes look like a doe's . I like the way I have way to many freckles. I like the way my hair frizzes. I like the way my nose flares when I'm mad. I like the way my upper arms are a little thicker. i like the way my stretch marks remind me of the day I gave birth. I like the way they put a different texture to my skin. I like the way my scars shine white. I like the way my calves are thick. I like the way I have a broken vessel on my leg where I won a competition after blocking a shin kick and jabbing. You know what. I like me.

Who allowed you to define me?

What makes me unbecoming because we don't look alike?

Why can't you accept we are different and that's what makes us beautiful?

Eat a candy bar. It'll make you feel better.

Interjection: You know, I've been fat, chunky, thin, and inbetween. I've never been morbidly obese. So I won't claim to know what's that like. You know I have my own hangups but I really wish women could learn to appreciate one another. Maybe if we could learn to appreciate each other's differences we could learn to accept ourselves as beautiful, unique, and wonderful. It starts with you. Take the initiative. See something admiral in the girl you pass in the street. Find something exquisite in your coworker who you love to hate. In doing so you just may find something pulchritudinous in yourself .

Smiles. Laughter.

All to hide the pain

Ripped at the heart

Ripped at the seams

Another spot found again.



Happy Labor Day

this one won't be forgotten.









My Labor day:


Today is not so hot. I am very worn out.




My brother is down visiting for the week.




Yesterday he found another lump in his neck.




Happy Labor Day.




Not really.




But we had a great day regardless.




Life's not fair.




Life's just not fair.

Right now. Unrested

The hum of the air conditioner fills the air. The sound of a running aquarium filter plays in the background. The steady click of a a keypad.

The quiet breaths of two dogs breathing. Asleep. Dreaming. Maybe of bones. Maybe of fetch. Maybe of being able to speak.
Lights dim. The glare of a monitor. The soft white light bleeding out from under red lamp shades.

Feet resting on soft, plush, beige low shag carpet. Arms resting by side. Fingers nimble on the keys. Thighs sunk into a red couch covered by beige throws. The smell of fresh plants fills the air.

Mind unrested. Longing for sleep. Thoughts flutter across eyelids and dance into cognition. Heart slowed. Breathing calm. Sweet serenity almost in reach.

Okay...so you all know the Brian from my previous blogs of "What am I thinking about for 2-3 minutes." Well he is now sitting in front of me at a Starbucks and I am listening to him playing acoustical guitar and singing. He's wearing blue jeans, plaid orange and blue shirt, flip flops and a black Taylor hat. His fingers strumming the Taylor (guitar). He makes it come to life as he works with out effort, like a bee sucks the nectar from a flower and turns it into a sweet tantalizing honey. As does the lyrics rolling off his tongue like the honey melting in your mouth into a delectable taste that makes your tongue scream for mercy. Oww is he good. So good. A guitar in his hand is like a sword in Achilles palm. A very gift from the Gods that be, to tempt your soul and make you beg for mercy.

Frank is here. He hangs out at the guitar store. Frank is sporting a green jacket, brown polo, blue jeans and brown shoes. He is talking to shazzy about music. He has perfect pitch. If you are playing something he can tell you exactly which chord/note you need next. I find that amazing. Frank is very grounded. His humor is sometimes dry and sometimes I don't understand it, but I find him very fascinating and intriguing for that mix. He is so....reserved I find it interesting. He makes my brain tick because there is nothing 'fantasyish' if you will, about him. For that reason sometimes he confuses me. I enjoy the analytical ism he brings to the atmosphere. Something I would never bring. He is so clever. When he listens he actually hears what you say. He is quite interesting.
Now Shazzy is here too!!! I am so excited she is here. She absolutely makes my day. She is fancying a white/gray hippy floral print, plaid shorts, real leather tie up moccasins, and her black/brown arty glasses. Her lips sip upon pumpkin spice latte. She is also blogging at this moment on her new art decor Inspiron. Shit, even her laptop is more creative than mine!
I tell you she has such creative energy that flows it arouses my passion (not to mention the music invading me). She's like my muse. If you could find two people that just meshed so well and their strengths and weaknesses complimented each other, I think that would be her and I. She gives me strength when I am weak. She lifts me up when i am down. I know this is so sappy but she truly is the wind beneath my wings. I hope I somehow help her as much as she does me. I just love to be with her. Love ya girl!

Okay back to Brian. He has his eyes closed as he is feeling the rhythm of the music. His body keeping tune to the infectious purr of the guitar. The bass player pounding the beat into your core. Making the temptation within come to life as it strums upon your passion to awaken. The music begging for your spirit of freedom to release! Can I throw my bra now??? Oh sorry this is Starbucks.

Alright so I guess we know what everyone is wearing and doing. What am I wearing. God this blog has been reduced to what I'm wearing! Okay if I said nothing...then it would fit with my theme! But I am fetching a black fitted T-shirt, a ballet type wrap, dark Gray pin stripped Capris, snake skin kitten heel sandals, and a mound of black-white-and amber beads. Oh yes...so yuppish today.

A lesson finally learned.

I'm sitting in economics while the teacher rants on about supply and demand, aggregates and Long Runs. When all of a sudden a smell wafts my way. A smell that instantly sends me a tingled chill and a calmness all at once. It was the smell of smoke and mint emanating from the lips of my desk partner. At that moment I had to resist the urge to push his chair back, sit in his lap, and inhale the breath from his very lips. Yes, odd reaction. Very odd.

That was the first smell of the fling with Sexy. I had just brushed my teeth, he walked in. He kissed me hard and the light taste of smoke and the fresh burst of mint tingled my tongue with a mint numbing sensation. It was very erotic. It was like bad boy meets good girl and the infusion bursting into a chemical reaction.

Last night I watched Sunshine Cleaning. I recommend the movie. I enjoyed it. I was overwhelmed though by emotions.

Emotions.

I try to avoid chick flicks due to this very reason. Emotions. I spent a lot of time crying during the latter years with my husband/ex-husband and I have never wanted to cry again. Some days I think...there are no more tears left in me to cry. I have become so strong and impenetrable that I am over the crying. And then I am greatly humbled and reminded that there is still growing and healing in the emotions area.

I truly believe that destiny, fate, life, karma, God, whatever you want to call it is always teaching us. We have a lesson that we are always on at a given time and whenever we figure out that lesson we are then moved on to be taught a new lesson. This lesson could last minutes or years. Depending on when we finally get it. This knowledge came with watching Sunshine Cleaning. I identified with the characters in some shape or form. I then cried. Yes cried. Cried and cried till I felt...well purged. Cleansed. I think I finally got the grasp of my lesson. I finally learned that I don't have to fear abandonment, being myself, or the way I say or think things. I learned that just being me is good enough. I don't have to be anything more than who I am. That I am enough. That no matter if it feels painful at times, hard, and uncomfortable you still have to step out and embrace humanity and people. You still have to open yourself up and feel...lust, passion, love.

So many times the hurt and pain that we experience in life cause us to want to shut down. To not feel. To keep yourself closed and hidden from any type of relationship feeling. To even go so far as to shun love because it is just to scary to open up. And then if someone even tries to be nice to you or show you affection back you run. Run for the hills. Run for the border. Just run, not look back and completely write the people off.

Well...I finally learned. I finally learned the lesson. Don't run. Just open up and be yourself. If something happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't. You never know what someone is like or even what you are like until you try. If it messes up, you know what...you still tried. You gained something out of it whether it be what may not work for you, what did work for you, experience, knowledge, or even a friend.

I learned this with Sexy. You all were privy to the saga as it transpired and unfolded. From Beginning to now (I hope not the end. A friend at the very least). Here's how it went and what I learned:

I was very closed. No male got in my circle or past the guard I had put up. No one. They got just to the point I could keep them at bay and turn the emotions on and off at will. Nothing real. Then I met Sexy.

I was on a high already from the play, My confidence was soaring, and I was in that element where I was open to 'feelings' because I had been using them all night, week after week in the play. So just being open. Sexy had everything right. Everything that I wanted (Well everything that is to feed a purly carnal desire. Remember, there is no love here. Just a purely carnal lust. Someone for me to say I love would be something entirely special. Entirely rare, back to my story...) Courageous, spontaneous, friendly, open, confident, patient, caring, and he seemed a bit grounded. He was the perfect cocktail. The perfect aphrodisiac for me. My perfect poison and blend. He was my mixed brewed just for me.

I think sometimes life just has to kick you in the ass when you have been on the lesson so long and just are still not getting it. Then it has to 'help' out a little and put what you need to 'help' the process along. I swear...this lesson would have been still going on if it hadn't. I have avoided a lot of combos and cocktails. With this and that not being quite right. So life was feeling a bit of pity for me and helped me out putting me in the same place, at the right moment, in the right mindset, and with the right friend, with my irresistible cocktail. And then still I tried to leave in order to avoid anything I was feeling. I knew I was feeling a bit enamoured and tried to run. But upon leaving I talked with my friend in the car and came back. I just couldn't avoid it. I couldn't shake it.

So...I let my hair down. Let loose. Took a chance and was me. Quirkiness and all. Not really hiding anything. I even said what I thought when it wasn't pleasant instead of hiding it. It sometimes came out a little acidly but hey 'I'm learning here'. Normally I just hide if I'm angry and don't say anything not wanting the confrontation. But you know what. I didn't. I went right in there, no holds barred. I am not saying I did it right. I probably may have said more than I should have. And other things maybe I should have or shouldn't have done, but it all was worth it. I learned a lot in that short period of time.

You know what. I am glad Sexy is just the way he is. If he was any other way I would never have learned. I would never have been open enough to get it. I am glad that some days he didn't call.I am glad that some days he didn't answer. I am glad that he is decent and kind and that he just didn't drop me like a hot cake. I am glad that he put up with the changing tides! I am glad that he let me be me. I am glad that I did it all. I am glad that I was willing to be me. I am very glad. I wouldn't change a thing (except add more!). Him being the way he is; weaning me if you will...helped me to finally learn what life has been trying to teach me for years.

The lesson part. I learned that even though it is a little uncomfortable and frightening. That even though we don't know what we're doing all the time. Stepping out, taking a chance is worth it. I learned that I can be me, disagree and put it out there and you aren't always going to be rejected. There are people who still believe in friendship. There are still people who are good at heart. There are still people who believe in humanity. People are still worth being open and candied with. People are still worth our respect. It is still worth saying what you believe, what you feel, and what you think. Life is still worth it.

Thank you karma, life, destiny, fate, God, whatever it is you want to be called for letting Sexy be my irresistible cocktail. Thank you that I could just be me and learn that you aren't always dropped if you think a bit differently and take a chance.

Thank you Sexy for being who you are. I appreciate you.

Your friend,

Moondoggie.