A lesson finally learned.

I'm sitting in economics while the teacher rants on about supply and demand, aggregates and Long Runs. When all of a sudden a smell wafts my way. A smell that instantly sends me a tingled chill and a calmness all at once. It was the smell of smoke and mint emanating from the lips of my desk partner. At that moment I had to resist the urge to push his chair back, sit in his lap, and inhale the breath from his very lips. Yes, odd reaction. Very odd.

That was the first smell of the fling with Sexy. I had just brushed my teeth, he walked in. He kissed me hard and the light taste of smoke and the fresh burst of mint tingled my tongue with a mint numbing sensation. It was very erotic. It was like bad boy meets good girl and the infusion bursting into a chemical reaction.

Last night I watched Sunshine Cleaning. I recommend the movie. I enjoyed it. I was overwhelmed though by emotions.

Emotions.

I try to avoid chick flicks due to this very reason. Emotions. I spent a lot of time crying during the latter years with my husband/ex-husband and I have never wanted to cry again. Some days I think...there are no more tears left in me to cry. I have become so strong and impenetrable that I am over the crying. And then I am greatly humbled and reminded that there is still growing and healing in the emotions area.

I truly believe that destiny, fate, life, karma, God, whatever you want to call it is always teaching us. We have a lesson that we are always on at a given time and whenever we figure out that lesson we are then moved on to be taught a new lesson. This lesson could last minutes or years. Depending on when we finally get it. This knowledge came with watching Sunshine Cleaning. I identified with the characters in some shape or form. I then cried. Yes cried. Cried and cried till I felt...well purged. Cleansed. I think I finally got the grasp of my lesson. I finally learned that I don't have to fear abandonment, being myself, or the way I say or think things. I learned that just being me is good enough. I don't have to be anything more than who I am. That I am enough. That no matter if it feels painful at times, hard, and uncomfortable you still have to step out and embrace humanity and people. You still have to open yourself up and feel...lust, passion, love.

So many times the hurt and pain that we experience in life cause us to want to shut down. To not feel. To keep yourself closed and hidden from any type of relationship feeling. To even go so far as to shun love because it is just to scary to open up. And then if someone even tries to be nice to you or show you affection back you run. Run for the hills. Run for the border. Just run, not look back and completely write the people off.

Well...I finally learned. I finally learned the lesson. Don't run. Just open up and be yourself. If something happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't. You never know what someone is like or even what you are like until you try. If it messes up, you know what...you still tried. You gained something out of it whether it be what may not work for you, what did work for you, experience, knowledge, or even a friend.

I learned this with Sexy. You all were privy to the saga as it transpired and unfolded. From Beginning to now (I hope not the end. A friend at the very least). Here's how it went and what I learned:

I was very closed. No male got in my circle or past the guard I had put up. No one. They got just to the point I could keep them at bay and turn the emotions on and off at will. Nothing real. Then I met Sexy.

I was on a high already from the play, My confidence was soaring, and I was in that element where I was open to 'feelings' because I had been using them all night, week after week in the play. So just being open. Sexy had everything right. Everything that I wanted (Well everything that is to feed a purly carnal desire. Remember, there is no love here. Just a purely carnal lust. Someone for me to say I love would be something entirely special. Entirely rare, back to my story...) Courageous, spontaneous, friendly, open, confident, patient, caring, and he seemed a bit grounded. He was the perfect cocktail. The perfect aphrodisiac for me. My perfect poison and blend. He was my mixed brewed just for me.

I think sometimes life just has to kick you in the ass when you have been on the lesson so long and just are still not getting it. Then it has to 'help' out a little and put what you need to 'help' the process along. I swear...this lesson would have been still going on if it hadn't. I have avoided a lot of combos and cocktails. With this and that not being quite right. So life was feeling a bit of pity for me and helped me out putting me in the same place, at the right moment, in the right mindset, and with the right friend, with my irresistible cocktail. And then still I tried to leave in order to avoid anything I was feeling. I knew I was feeling a bit enamoured and tried to run. But upon leaving I talked with my friend in the car and came back. I just couldn't avoid it. I couldn't shake it.

So...I let my hair down. Let loose. Took a chance and was me. Quirkiness and all. Not really hiding anything. I even said what I thought when it wasn't pleasant instead of hiding it. It sometimes came out a little acidly but hey 'I'm learning here'. Normally I just hide if I'm angry and don't say anything not wanting the confrontation. But you know what. I didn't. I went right in there, no holds barred. I am not saying I did it right. I probably may have said more than I should have. And other things maybe I should have or shouldn't have done, but it all was worth it. I learned a lot in that short period of time.

You know what. I am glad Sexy is just the way he is. If he was any other way I would never have learned. I would never have been open enough to get it. I am glad that some days he didn't call.I am glad that some days he didn't answer. I am glad that he is decent and kind and that he just didn't drop me like a hot cake. I am glad that he put up with the changing tides! I am glad that he let me be me. I am glad that I did it all. I am glad that I was willing to be me. I am very glad. I wouldn't change a thing (except add more!). Him being the way he is; weaning me if you will...helped me to finally learn what life has been trying to teach me for years.

The lesson part. I learned that even though it is a little uncomfortable and frightening. That even though we don't know what we're doing all the time. Stepping out, taking a chance is worth it. I learned that I can be me, disagree and put it out there and you aren't always going to be rejected. There are people who still believe in friendship. There are still people who are good at heart. There are still people who believe in humanity. People are still worth being open and candied with. People are still worth our respect. It is still worth saying what you believe, what you feel, and what you think. Life is still worth it.

Thank you karma, life, destiny, fate, God, whatever it is you want to be called for letting Sexy be my irresistible cocktail. Thank you that I could just be me and learn that you aren't always dropped if you think a bit differently and take a chance.

Thank you Sexy for being who you are. I appreciate you.

Your friend,

Moondoggie.

It's Wednesday and I just deploritized on Sunday. Is that even a word...deploritized...I don't know but it is now! So...after my deploritization (oh yeah I'm going to do all kinds of things with this word. Some your momma would smack you for!) I was left with no hair. Well it has already started to grow back.

I went to put my little silky/nylon underwear on this morning and they were catching on these little tiny hairs. I thought it was so funny. So I had to switch to my cotton underwear and I will note those are doing well. No snagging or catching. I also just had to see what it felt like. If you rub down it feels really smooth. Almost like velvet. If you rub up it feels like right after a man shaves his face. That was weird.

Wow...only 3 days before regrowth. It sure didn't last long, but I will say there are no bumps. You can see where you have hair when I did it. It didn't look completely bare, except in some places.

I think this Friday I am going to apply it again and see it it takes off this little bit of hair. We'll see.

And a side note...I just read some reviews on this product. The smell of it was bad as all the reviews state, but I didn't have a lingering smell on my skin. Well..I can't really bend over and take a close up either, but if my friend ever stops being so weird...I'll give you an update! LOL! You guys new I had to add something like that in there...come on. This blog is not for the easily offended!

You know let's just discuss sexy for a minute shall we. He goes from answering all the time, to I think I hurt his feelings or offended him one when are little 'incident' I blogged about took place, to then he calls, doesn't, answers, doesn't, and definitely won't even email me back. Goodness this is annoying. I just want to know what's up. What is the deal. So... I am refusing to call anymore because this crap is annoying! Then I get a weak, softy, girly moment and want to hear his voice and see where we stand. Gosh...arrrr! This is not good. But...I haven't talked to him except for Saturday. Well. Catch you guys later.

So a few things.
First I just read Moonbloggies blog about the toot and swine flu. Hope he has an even speedier recovery. Get well soon little toot!

Second, about leg hair. I tell you what. I have been looking for a way to remove hair. ugh-ummm yes hair. Not on your legs. Not on your eyebrow but the hair we all know where it is. The options were as follows:

Option 1: Shaving
I have tried shaving the bikini line and no matter what I get these bumps that last for weeks. Even if I use the no bump cream I still get them. I tried standing in the shower in very warm water to loosen the pores. I've tried loading down on the shaving cream. On even conditioner. I even tried rubbing it after with alcohol (yes ow). I tried the aftershave like a guy uses. I mean nothing worked. If I shaved there were bumps. Then you got the whole growing hair back in. So I moved on...

Option 2: Electric bikini shaver
This worked and didn't work. These things take forever not to mention you get crick in your neck from bending over for 20 minutes. Then when you shave it, you still have this like 5'0clock shadow look going on. LOL! Sometimes I got it just right but then I would sometimes get little red splotches on my skin where the electric shaver irritated it. So...

Option 3: The electric hair clippers
That's right the electric hair clippers that the beauticians use. I tried this. It worked just like the electric bikini shaver except in a fraction of the time. And um...should I add here that if you got a little distracted you could wind up with a nick that...ow does not feel so good. And still the red splotches. Moving on...

Option 4: plucking
Yes I even tried plucking with tweezers. I was getting desperate during this feat. It wasn't as bad as you think. Mind over matter right. But this takes forever and I'm not going to lie...not the most enjoyable feeling ever! In some spots it down right hurt. Over this one really quickly...

Option 5: waxing.
Every now and then I get a bright idea and decide I am going to wax. Let me just say I'd rather pluck! I get the strip on and then when I start to rip off I remember...What the hell am I thinking. This shit hurts. It's always hurt and it's not going to get any better. It's kind of like when the pain of childbirth wears off and you think 'oh it wasn't so bad.' And then there you are with contractions and labor pains and sore boobs and you've got the nurse saying 'now push through the pain your doing great' and all you want to do is kick her right through the window and then you remember 'this shit hurts'...once again too late. So this was even quicker to move on from.

Option 6: deploritory cream (NAIR)
I don't know why I never thought of and tried this before now. On Sunday I tried this and it was awesome! No red bumps. No red splotches. I got the Nair for Sensitive skin and smeared it all over the place. I had started out to just do the bikini line but I thought...let's just see how well this stuff really works and just went wild putting it all over. I then sat on a towel on the toilet lid reading a book. I waited for 12 minutes, because I lost track of time reading the book. The bottle says do not leave on more than 10minutes.Whoops. I then got into the shower. I took a wash rag and started to wipe down on the sections that had the cream. A little ughh watching the hair on the rag, but it took it all off. This stuff worked great. I just did it on Sunday....so I'll let you know how it grows back in as time goes on. But as far as now this stuff is my new bikini hair remover! I love it!!!

On another note. I am in a bit of a funk. You know what. I think I am really actually wanting to finally have someone in my life. I want someone to care about. Not just someone to play around with but I think I really want to care about someone. Hmm...that's a twist of things. You know what my thoughts really are at this moment? Here they are. This is what is circling in my head exactly as they are. Not in any order. Not a great poem or expression but this is really how it is being thought in my head. Here it goes.

Sitting in the middle of the bed.
Awake.
Alone.
Can I call shazzy?
No it's too late.
Can I call sexy?
No, I don't know what is going on between us. I don't' want to be seen as desperate of 'hooked'
Can I call my Sensei?
Nope not an option
Can I call my brother's friend who's now my friend?
I don't know...maybe it's too late. It is 1am in the morning.
Can I call my mother?
No I she wouldn't understand this feeling. It's too 'emotional'.
I'm scared.
I had a bad dream
I'm alone
I want to be held
I want to be adored.
I want to be secure

I want to roll over and hear the sound of your breath.
I want to kiss your cheeks and know that you are real and here with me.
I want to lay on your chest and feel the warmth of your body next to mine.

I want to love you.
I want to know you.
I want to giggle with you.
I want to be...
yours.

Oh I Love where I work!

I went to lunch a moment ago and was engrossed in sea of blue! A sea of Air force Blues to be precise. A bunch of commissioned officers, all at the top of their fitness levels, dressed in blues and spit shined patent shoes. It turns out they are having their annual conference at the hotel across the street. Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!

It also turns out I wear everything I think right on my face. If you look, you know. As I was passing through the sea of blue, I couldn't help but smile. I was like a kid in a candy shop wanting to taste all the candy but knowing if I put my hand in all the jars it may get popped. So you just smile and let your mouth water. This scenario seemed to be emanating off of me because a lot turned to me and just smiled too. Even a smile as they turned to watch as they walked by.

Yes, Life is good. Life is good in blue. LOL!

Some people conduct business in an office. Some people conduct business with a staff. And apparently some people also conduct business without clothes. Yes this is what happened to me this past weekend.

I have this person, let's call him 'Breezy' who is a general laborer. He has done various projects for me over the years such as painting, plumbing, lock installations, etc. In the past I have come home early and have seen his clothing folded in the floor of my kitchen. One evening in particular I came home from the dojo early and saw a streak run to my bathroom. As I walked back towards my bathroom I noticed his clothes folded in the kitchen floor. It did not cause me any concern as he spoke to me from behind the bathroom door. I just figured 'Breezy' was a little eccentric, not a big deal. Besides he comes at a really good price.

Well Breezy re plumbed my entire house. I just put up front the cost of the products and arranged to pay him labor later. This past weekend was later. I went to his shop to pay him. His shop is in a huge shed where he does all types of wood work and refinishing cars. I knocked on the shop door and waited for about a minute for him to answer the door. I walked inside and saw 2 cars being completed. On the other side was a woodworking table and saw and various other tools and machines. In the back on the corner was a painting area that had a dust free wrap around. I opened my red wallet to pay but discovered I had no more checks. I told him I had to go to the bank and I would be back with cash.

I went to the ATM, got the money and proceeded back to his shop. When I arrived the door was open and he was standing behind the wood working table working on a very beautiful jewelry cabinet. Breezy is a tall, thin, 44 year old. blond hair, blue eyed man. His hair is kept long and pulled back in a pony tail. He wears a 5 o'clock shadow all the time and he smokes Camel cigarettes. He has no signs of balding whatsoever. It was very hot in the shop as he doesn't turn on any AC and the large shop fan was not on. So there he stood, shirtless behind the table saw. I, always being the joker, said " what are you naked standing behind there". Well he laughs and steps out saying 'Well actually I have on underwear.' As he steps out breezy is sporting a black, shiny, silky pair of bikini underwear. I am talking yes...full out there, standing loud and proud in bikini underwear with his Lingham right there for the viewing. I didn't quite know what to do so...when in doubt...Laugh. And that is what I did. I stood there, laughing my butt off. I said 'well this is a new way to conduct business.'

He said 'well, it's hot as hell in here' and then he turned to get the receipt book. And there in front of my eyes was a bare ass walking to the back side of the shop. Not only did he have on black, shiny, silky bikini underwear on but these were thongs. Yes you heard me thongs. I exclaimed in complete shock 'Breezy, your wearing a thong that looks just like my Victoria Secret thongs! I'm not looking! I'm not looking!' I then started looking all over the shop. Anywhere that would try to distract my eyes from the thong wearing Breezy.

He then proceeded to explain to me about how thongs are more comfortable and how he got started wearing the thongs. he then patted on a chair next to the desk for me to come and sign the receipt book. I sat down, very uncomfortably in the chair to sign the receipt. He said 'oh I forgot' and then got up to get a pen. He called out 'stop looking' in to which I replied 'My goodness you get up and walk away in a thong and I can't help but stare at your ass. I am trying not to look my goodness!' I proceeded to spin around in the chair nervous as hell. Trying to find anywhere to stare besides at his ass as he is walking.

Well long story short nothing other than that happened. I signed the receipt book and we talked a bit about the inhibitions of clothes. He sat very calm and normal as I spun back and forth in the chair fidgeting quite a bit. yes, it was odd. Very, very odd. Why does stuff like this seem to happen to me? I am glad people feel comfortable with me, but this is taking it to an extreme.

Later that evening my teenage son had his friends over playing (some had spent the night) and one of them had their cousin there. I assumed he was maybe 16 or 17, not that he looked it, I just assumed it. Turns out he was 19 and 1/2. Don't forget the half. Like this is an important monument that says I am not a teenager I am an adult. To me...just a baby. Your 19, come on.

So anyways they are all in the living room playing video games. They do this till late in the night when I take them to Mellow Mushroom. Some go with us and then sleep over and others go home. The next day, Sunday they all come back including the 19 year old. They continue playing video games and one of the boys' sister knocks on the door and says they have to carry something to the car for the mom real quick. So...they all leave...because we all know teenagers travel in packs. Except this 19 1/2 year old named 'delusional'. Well he proceeds to come into the kitchen where I am making tacos and starts to talk to me. The conversation is how he is joining the Navy. Then it turns into "I am sorry if this is out of line but, how old are you". I proceeded to tell him not thinking anything of it because I am looking at him like he's a little boy. Then he continues with "I think your very beautiful..." and oh yes the 19 1/2 year old is hitting on me. I mean he is actually hitting me.

And that is what happened to me this weekend. Do things like this happen to any of you?

The wind blowing through my hair

Freedom whispering in my ear

Run

Run

The smell of the trees

The wildness filling my passages

Run
Run

The droplets of rain

independen upon my face

Run

Run

A hand

A touch

A saving grace

pace

pace

A kiss

A smile

wait

wait

Wild and Free

So Several days since last post. Just a little...I don't' know... aloof at the moment. Well...never that calm. But calm enough. Hmm...Bi-polar...noway just a little eccentric. I've had a lot on my mind and just couldn't seem to blog.

Not much has happened. My buddy is in the talking mood. Not quite like before though. It seems just a little off. Wonder if it's just me. I have come to the conclusion...I think he gets worked up really easy. He seriously needs to relax a little bit. I have just the right combination for the remedy. I mean...just trying to help (insert devilish grin here)

I learned my neighbor is the president of the (hope I get this right) BS&M club. That's the Bondage and sado masochism club. Why did he feel the need to tell me this? I don't know? Do I just look like someone who is on the guest list at all the BS&M clubs? Hmm...so I practice martial arts and my idea of a good time is going to the dojo where you get kicked and hit...I do enjoy the occasional bite...I liked it when my buddy smacked my rear end one night but nobody ever else would get away with that...noway once again...just a little eccentric.

Anyways...so he's standing there while I am trying to get to the dojo and telling me all about this club. How he's a complete dominant personality and people just gravitate towards him. That he 'owns' his wife (she enjoys this apparently) but she doesn't wear her collar out. Now I've met the wife. She seemed pretty dominant. I guess pop a collar on and it changes all that for ya.
Hmmm....Nope I'll bite your damn hand off if you try and put a collar on me. Oh and you wanna say you 'own me' I'll give you a 10 second head start and you better hope I can't catch you.
He then goes on to tell me a little more and what do I do. Well hell join in the conversation and then quickly make a break for it. Now I want to go to one of these meetings. Just to see what they do and what they all look like. Curiosity killed the cat. Maybe I should remember that.

My pastor called and asked why I haven't been in church. Now what really could I say to that. I could have offered up "well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. If I go I know I'll have to give up a few things I'm doing or that's exactly what I'll be. You know the premarital sex, the sliding my skirt up a little at the red light next to the truck to watch the trucker look at my thigh". So instead I said "Well I guess it's just a responsibility and discipline issue. I lack on both some days. I can't tell you I will go this Sunday because then I would have to because I'm a woman of my word. But I'll tell ya I'll give it my best shot. I wonder if that answer sufficed. I could feel him kind of cock his head through the phone. The same way a dog looks at you like he knows what your saying but he just can't believe your saying it. Yeah that same look. I could feel it grasping me through the phone. So much I had to get off the phone quick to escape repenting right then and there.

Well what's been on my mind lately?

I've been reading this book lately. It's called 'confessions of a pagan nun'. It's pretty good. It is a recount of this lady back in the 1700's. She was an apprentice to a druid and then became a practicing christian nun. It's pretty neat. I love her freedom though. She couldn't be contained either. Her passion and zest for all of life. For life itself. I wish we could all live like that.
You know...just another side note.
We have this IT (computer dept.)guy in the back at work. There is just something a little compelling about him. Remember the whole priest incident. Yeah so do I. Well that's got nothing to do with this I just wondered if you remembered?

Well...no he's more like the guy you marry and then get freaky with in bed. He's not the guy you just get all freaky with and then cut him loose. That's weird. How do you distinguish between marry you and get freaky with and get freaky with then cut loose? HMMM...so if I just had that thought I bet men have had that thought...I wonder which girl I am????Now that is food for thought.

You know. This is really getting out of hand. All these different men. I've never even noticed so many men before. Well I was married why would I? But even when I wasn't. Goodness gracious. They are everywhere. All shapes. All sizes. All education levels. All knowledgeable in something in someway shape or form. A lot already taken so their off limits. But wow so many. Why am I noticing them all. I know what it is...dare I say...no I don't want to....why is it getting so hectic??? Is my clock ticking? I think it is. I think my restless, wild heart wants to be rode. I don't want to be bridled. I'm much to free. I don't want to be tamed. I'm much to wild. But I want to have I got it...I don't want to be rode I want a companion. I don't want anyone to hold my reigns. I want a companion. Someone who loves this life as much as I do who will run next to me. Someone who if either one of us trip we help the other to get back up again. Someone to run this race with. Someone who can keep me paced so I am not running full open. I want a companion. I want someone when I look into their eyes my heart is content. When I feel there touch my body is quieted. I want a best friend.

I don't want to run alone anymore.