corseted in red

bound by black

tighten the bindings behind my back

smooth and slow

thoughtful and distinct

plotted from pure carnal instinct

His thoughts dip me as if a dance

teasing my senses, this unknown man

Opening the locks

revealing the keys

to the hidden chambers

kept from all to see

Release the passion

the lust

the wiles

Bounded

blind

but unafraid

life's puppet to this charade

Walking through life

eyes closed tight

wearing the mask

of an emotionless plight

but touch me

hold me

and you will feel

the rushing of thoughts which are concealed

So tighten them tight

Bind them true

teach me to trust

open that part kept abstruse

No congratulations, but then again...None is needed.

Have you ever done something that felt so right, that felt so exhilarating only to have the very rug ripped from you?

Have you ever experienced an accomplishment and been so elated just to have it dashed?

If you have, I understand that emotion. That emotion that is so conflicting. The emotion guilt, elation, anger, happiness, confusion all rolled into one discombobulated mess.

This weekend our cast went to the ACT theater competition. We performed our play all I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten. We performed through several blows against us that threatened to shake our focus.

We had a cast member to have her mother die, sending her to Oregon for a funeral and unable to compete.

A director who filled in for the missing cast member, memorizing the lines in one week and having one rehearsal with us, which happened to be the night before we left for the competition.

Once there we had a piano with a broken sustaining pedal that they finally found someone to come in and fix it.

Once it was fixed the piano crashed over.

We had the complete lack of sleep we all were working off of.

Take all this into consideration and it should have been a formula for disaster.

It indeed was not.

This group, this talented group rose to and above the occasion. We were even more determined to show that we belonged there. That we were there to win. That we...through it all...were going to let the playfulness and love for acting show through and infect each member of that audience.

We were there to give our craft the justice it deserved. The recognition that it merited.

And so we did. And so it was noted. We won best director. Best actor. Best cast ensemble. And we won Best in Show.

In addition we won the right to represent our state at the regional competition. What a fantastic honor.

All that and it brings me to home.

I arrive to my mom's to pick up my son. Is there a congratulations? No. Is there great job? no. Is there any appraisal or recognition? No. What was put forth was "and what's this going to get you? You have a child, a job your in training for, school...what purpose does this serve?"

What purpose does this serve? My children are taken care of. They are loved. They are cherished. I do my job and I do it well. I am in school and succeed at that too. Where did it say that when you have children you lose everything.

For as long as I can remember the arts was a waste of time. I felt silly for even sometimes wishing I could be an actor, or a writer, or that I dreamed of dancing when I was little. It was completely silly. So of course as an adult there would be no way that I would dare put forth from my lips...'you know...I enjoy acting. I enjoy writing.' as these are considered silly, frivolous talents. None of them warranting a second thought. Just a silly flight of fancy.

And when you have children...you can forget it. It's all over.

So, I started to do a few plays. I landed a few commercials. I got involved in a comedy troop. I tried stand up comedy yet, I kept it to myself. I did tell my family but none of them came. Ever. So it started that I wouldn't even tell them.

It's been a long process but I am finally reaching for my own. Finally coming into my own. Finally saying...to hell with the pretenses. To hell with the thoughts of others. To hell with what they think is the right thing for me. Because what is right for me...isn't always what's defined as correct. I know what works in my life and what doesn't. I am tired of living it someone else's way. It's mine for the taking and I plan on ceasing it.

I know my children and what responds best for them. I know the joy they have in their eyes when they have their accomplishments. So this life. This very life is mine, not anyone elses and I fully intend on making it whole despite the rhetoric.

But you know what...I've always been the one to if you say I can't...I say I will. If you say I won't...I say I did.

I will add this. I have been fortunate enough for a very few people to have been placed in my life that have been very encouraging.

They have all been in my life in different venues and capacities and all has been significant in helping me to reach independence. To reach where I am and where I am going.

So...thank you to each and everyone of you. Some know who you are, some will never know. But I thank you. I salute you.

WE WON! Yes WE WON! We wON the competition. We now compete at regionals!!!

I haven't posted in a bit. Life has gotten a bit hectic. So as is the life of a divorced single mom:) But if any of you have experienced that, or even if you haven't I am sure you can identify.

Life has thrown a few curve balls all at once. I mean does anything ever happen in steps? It probably does, we just don't ever see it until it all has pile up to a heap and then we wonder 'damn where did that come from?' So we come to what has been going on?



Let's start with business, hobbies, and then we'll get to personal; although, all of it is personal is it not?



So goes the cascade:



I am in training for a new position at work. Enjoying it greatly. Although it is a new experience I plan to tackle it like everything that has been thrown my way; with force, gusto, and triumph.



I have been house hunting. This is quite the new adventure. Did any of you realize all the work it went in to purchasing a house? You think shopping for the right bra, swimsuit, or that elusive pair of perfect jeans is difficult. Sheesh, the house is that times a trillion. Some things fit, others are off. It is really a search and find unfortunately what you have to search for is a needle in a haystack but the find is complete bliss and peacefulness. Not a bad trade off. Just difficult.



I successfully pulled a 'C' off in Economics. I don't know what small act of God I need to attribute that to, but it occurred. Miracles still do happen!



Our play is going to competition this weekend. It's been lined with it's ups and downs most assuredly. One of our cast members mother died. Yes, died, so she will be unable to perform. Our director has stepped into fill her spot and we are having our first rehearsal with her in the cast today. Tomorrow is the competition. No, pressure. No pressure at all. If you remember, shazzy, from previous blogs...she is who is filling the slot. So...if anyone could do it or at least have a fighting chance of succeeding it will be her. You know what we can do this. We are good darn it! We can do this!

The selfish part is I feel a bit of let down from my cast member. It's like okay...she's deceased. It's horrible, it is. But dive into what you were committed to and do it. For that moment be free, let the thoughts of all the shit in the world drop off your shoulders and just do it.
I realize that I have never dealt with the death of a parent, but I tend to delve into projects to stop emotions anyways. When my mother dies...I'll probably start to raise tigers in India or backpack across the world to make the pain stop.



This now brings us to personal. Yes...that elusive personal.

I have acquired a few new acquaintances since the last time I have blogged and some I'll even call friends.

Well I lied...I'll leave this portion closed :)

I'm bringing Sexy back

Well the unfolding of the drama in divorcee land continues....

I called the county jail again to see if the ex is still sitting there. I use to call every day, then every other day, then it dwindled to once a week. Sometimes if I was feeling particular confident I would even skip a week, but never more.

Now regarding this particular call lets back up....

I had checked just last week on the computer to see if he was still there (as I call and computer search) and had noticed his bond was changed. It was 30,000 and then read 0.00. Now I didn't know what that meant so I didn't know to ask about it.

So today when I called she told me...He was going to prison. Going to prison. Wow. I don't even know how I feel about that. I don't feel anything about it. I know there is something going on because my chest is a little tight but I don't consciously feel a bit of remorse.

I don't have any criminals in my family so this is a whole new area for me still.
I don't feel embarrassed about it anymore as I have come to terms with the fact that he does not define me and the actions and path he chose to take does not reflect me. I am my own woman now. the actions I choose to perform reflect me. I am not his other half any longer.

That's sounds so easy to say now and it looks so simple to understand but it wasn't long ago I struggled with that issue. I struggled hard to find what defined me. I struggled hard with holding my head held high knowing my husband was in jail.

So...what does this mean now. It means I have a little more time to breath. It means I can finally let my guard down for a little while and not hold my breath in fear every time I open the door to the house wondering if he is there.

It means I don't have to look around everywhere wondering if he is watching me.

It means I don't have to make a phone call every week and wait with my stomach in knots until the jail clerk tells me the answer.

It means an even bigger since of freedom. Not a facade of freedom. But the freedom that means you can sore with out fear.

On that note I will tell you that I am so elated. I feel as if I just won a lottery.

In turn though, I feel incredibly guilty for this feeling. Incredibly guilty that I feel this sense of elation at the downfall of another.

I am not glad that he is going to prison. I am not glad that anyone should choose that path and be held like a captive dog away from society because when they are let out they prey upon them like a savage beast. But selfishly I am glad because I no longer have to fear.

Bitter Sweet.

For the sweet. Guess who I spoke with last night...the infamous Mr. S.

Yes, Mister Sexy himself. It was lovely. The conversation was as if nothing had changed. It was an absolute delight.

So...does this mean that my creative mojo will come back? I hope so! It would be just in time for the play competition the 24th. Oh how I need my mojo. It was starting to wane.

How can one person have such a force over you? I have felt it before. A taboo force that drives you. Once many years ago. A taboo force that gave me confidence, strength.But that's another post.

On the C.L.: The Picture You Can?t Stop Talking About: Meet ?the Woman on p. 194?: glamour.com

On the C.L.: The Picture You Can?t Stop Talking About: Meet ?the Woman on p. 194?: glamour.com

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